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Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 5:52pm
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: needless hassle
I have come back from a very delicate meeting at the Groucho with Quentin Tarantino’s British agent.
I feel il Maestro di Pulp is very close to agreeing to shoot our Kimbelle commercials provided we have a sufficiently high body count.
The kudos we would reap from this is incalculable.
I should be returning to a well-earned pat on the back.
Instead I find demented e-mails from both Harriet and Daniel on my laptop.
My loyalty to Harriet is wearing thin. Why should I defend her increasingly flaky behaviour if she deals behind my back in this way?
Her sniping at my new Mako work does, of course, gall.
But this must be our recommendation to the client. We cannot risk making ourselves look weak and uncertain by presenting more than one campaign.
Having said that, I can live with another team continuing to look at the brief. It is pretty unlikely that they will best my campaign.
If they do, you know that I will be the first out of his seat to lead the ovation.
As for Daniel, his fears that we will not deliver on Coke are, frankly, hysterical.
Perhaps you should remind him that I was in the same room as the legendary John Webster when he came up with the “lipsmackin, thirstquenchin . . .” ad for Pepsi.
Furthermore, was it not I who created “Mr. Ffffizzzzzy,” the zany animated bubble, for Fun Pops in 1982?
What I do not know about advertising carbonated drinks to British teenagers is not worth knowing.
Si
Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 6:02pm
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: tense, nervous headache
What a day, darling! Be an angel and book me a cab to Bibendum in thirty minutes.
Then a couple of Nurofen and a shoulder-rub would not go amiss.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 6:04pm
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: tense, nervous headache
Cab’s ordered, darling, and I’m warming up my hands. Sparkling or still with the tablets? Sx
Melinda Sheridan – 1/4/00, 6:23pm
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: Worried of Television
I’ve just bumped into David in the corridor and he congratulated me on being so close to finalising a deal with Quentin T. for Kimbelle Super Dri. When I pleaded ignorance, he told me there was no need to be so coy and that he knew negotiations were at an advanced stage.
Alarm bells are ring-a-ding-dinging. While I must say that “Pulp Fiction meets the super-absorbent panty pad” is an intriguing notion, I was not aware that any scripts were written yet. Are we not placing cart before horse? If we commit to QT and can’t deliver, I shudder to think . . .
Si, sweetheart, I know the strain on your shoulders has been immense lately, but I do hope we’re not digging ourselves into another hole à la Little and Large. My contacts in 90210 tell me that a Tarantino spurned is a far more frightening prospect. I should hate to see life imitate art, with you losing an ear over this. (You have seen Reservoir Dogs, haven’t you?) I feel a meeting is in order.
Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 6:27pm
to: Melinda Sheridan
cc:
re: Worried of Television
Mel darling, it is nothing. I just happened to bump into Quentin’s agent in the Groucho.
I mentioned Kimbelle, purely en passant.
As usual, David’s blown it all way out of proportion.
Besides, you must know that, as Head of TV, I would consult you first on such a radical move.
Must dash, but if you are in l’environs of Bibendum tonight, pop in for a quick one. I will be there with Al Parker and Ridley.
Si
Liam O’Keefe – 1/4/00, 6:31pm
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: coast clear
I’ve just seen Horne get into his taxi. Quit pretending to work and get your arses to BZ. See you there in ten – Pinki’s back from Gypsy Rose Lee and we need to catch up. Look after Lol till I get there. And if you notice that she’s not suffering from VPL, it’s because the saucy minx ain’t wearing any.
David Crutton – 1/4/00, 7:33pm
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: needless hassles
Stop flapping and please humour Harriet’s desire to see more work. I’m sure nothing will be produced that betters your own stonking efforts, but it’s no skin off any noses if it is. And fuck Daniel. He flies into a panic if the 6:53 to Godalming is thirty seconds late. I have every faith that you’ll deliver a world beating Coke campaign. Of course, if you let me down, the consequences for you scare even me.
Wednesday, January 5th
pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fi 1/5/00, 8:06am (10:06am local)
to: david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: be happy!
You are indeed 110% correct to tell your Created Director not to flap! For here is the astonishing Coca-Cola work I have been promising. It is, I think you will be agreeing, mole-breaking stuff. I waste no further ado and reveal all!
Our first commercial is opening on a grey scene of down-in-mouth teenagers sadly missing Coke refreshingness. This is quickly changing to technicolours as Europe’s premier pop-disco group, Aqua, appear in their zany outfits and crazy hairdoings. They are immediately singing their own brand of uplifting, happy music.
We make fizzy pop,
And Coke make fizzy pop,
Put the two together,
And the fun, it never stop!
Fizzy whizzy pop,
That take you to the top,
It make you oh-so happy,
And give the blues the chop!
As they sing, dance and lark about in a clean-cut, teenager way, the with-it youngsters are drinking Coca-Cola and their mood is transforming to beaming happiness.
And this is just the first TV script! I fax the other five to you now. Your reaction will be like mine when my top-gun team bring me this outrageous concept. WOW and DOUBLE WOW!! I know it will be a brave client to buy an idea of such power, but with your famous “ball of steel,” I am knowing you can do it.
Perhaps my overhead projections and me come over for the pitch to lend mortal support? I take already the liberty to put this thinking to Jim Weissmuller and he is most enthusing.
As soon as you are getting over the excitement, let me know what you think.
Toodle-pip – Pertti
David Crutton – 1/5/00, 8:10am
to: Chandra Kapoor
cc:
re: COMPETITION TIME
Complete the following sentence:
If my fucking e-mail is not fixed by tomorrow morning . . .
Ken Perry – 1/5/00, 8:15am
to: All departments
cc:
re: FIRE DRILL
I would like to remind you of prescribed practice in the event of fire, terrorist alert or other unspecified emergency. All departments have a designated fire officer. This person is responsible for the orderly evacuation of the premises.
If you are unaware of who your fire officer is, you will find a list on the noticeboard at the end of your floor. If you are a fire officer and are unsure of your duties, please see Shanice, my secretary, who will book you onto a short refresher course.
There will be a fire drill today at precisely 11:30am. Please treat it as REAL and stick to the evacuation procedure as outlined in the staff handbook.
And remember, drills save lives.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Ken Perry
Office Administrator
David Crutton – 1/5/00, 8:22am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: Coke
Last night I believe I sent you an e-mail telling you not to worry.
Well, once in a while even I am wrong.
For reasons too ridiculous to go into, our colleagues in Finland have taken it upon themselves to work on the Coke pitch. In their enthusiasm, they have also chosen to inform Weissmuller of their efforts.
I don’t have to tell you how we’ll look if we’re trashed by a bunch of humourless, elk-shagging Scandinavians, but I will, anyway. We’ll look like total bloody fuckwits. So let me apply a little pressure. I know the pitch is over a week away, but I want to review all work this morning.
I have had a preview of the Finnish campaign. It features Aqua singing a dire re-write of “Barbie Girl” (I wouldn’t have thought it possible to sink lower than their original lyrics, but our colleagues in Finland have somehow managed it). It is every bit as crass as you’d expect a commercial featuring Aqua to be. Correct me if I’m wrong, but weren’t they considered the aural equivalent of acne even when they were still selling records?
I’m ranting, but you’ll get my drift – it is unmitigated shite.
Nevertheless, I want to make absolutely sure that there is no opportunity for us to be outdone.
We’ll review at 11:30, and I fully expect to be dazzled.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 9:01am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: morning!
Good night at Bib’s? Did you try the scallops with squid ink risotto? To die for! Anyway, your door is closed so I won’t disturb, but when you’re off the phone, please can you call David? He’s been trying to reach you since I got in, but I did what I’m paid for, darling, and stalled him. Harriet is after you as well. She wants to confirm the Mako review for the end of today. I told her not to get her hopes up! I’m going for a Starbuck’s latte. Do you want a choccy croissant while I’m there? Sx
Zoë Clarke – 1/5/00, 9:09am
to: Lorraine Pallister
cc:
re: welcome!!!!
Hi, we met really briefly in Bar Zero the other night!!!! I’m the girl you’re taking over for in the creative dept!!! Give me a shout and I’ll show you round and tell you what the job’s all about. Don’t worry about a thing, ’cos I’m sure you’ll fit in really, really well!!!!! Simon Horne’s PA, Susi, is an absolute love and she’ll make you feel right at home!!!! Zxxx
lorraine_pallister@millershanks-london.co.uk 1/5/00, 9:15am
to: debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk
cc:
re: London calling
Two days in London and I’m in advertising. I went to a temp agency last week and they got me into this place called Miller Shanks. They did those shite ads for Kimbelle – you know, the Artist Formerly Known As Ginger Spice bunjee jumping, looking like someone shoved a high voltage cable up her arse. I’m working for the CEO (posh for managing director) who spends his whole time staring at my nipples like I just invented them. It was only supposed to be for a couple of weeks but it’s turned permanent. Next week I start as a PA in the creative department. That’s the bit that has the ideas, but all I’ve seen them do so far is fifty grams of charlie. Some of the lads are a laugh, though. One of them thinks he’s on for a shag, but he looks too much like Bart Simpson (overbite, spiky hair and slightly jaundiced). Mind you, after a few beers he starts looking like Brad Pitt, so who knows? Anyway, it’s fucking la-la land here. No one does any work. They just talk about it. Yesterday two secretaries beat ten shades of shit out of each other. Think that’s why I ended up getting offered the permanent job. How’s Salford since I left? Seen that sad twat, Terry? Tell him if he comes anywhere near London I’ll break his other thumb as well. Write/call when you can. Miss you – Lolx
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/5/00, 9:24am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc: Simon Horne
re: Coke
Morning, Susi. I trust you are well. I have been trying you and Simon but keep getting voicemail. I know you are both awfully busy, so I thought I would send you a quick e. David wants to review the creative work for Coke at 11:30. I know it is a pain, giving us all such short notice, so let me know if there’s anything my temp can do to help set it up.
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/5/00, 9:32am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: an early review is a good review!
My temp passed on the message about the Coke review. Excellent! I agree, we should have the work on the table ASAP. I hope our creative wunderkinder do not let us down. I do not think any of them are in yet – knowing them, they will have been toiling away until the cock crowed. Let me know when we are on. I am ready and waiting.
debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk 1/5/00, 9:45am
to: lorraine_pallister@millershanks-london.co.uk
cc:
re: Salford replying
We have contact! Well done, girl! They pay a ton in advertising don’t they? What you on – twenty grand? Higher? Salford’s the same old, but you’ve only been gone a week, so it’s hardly going to change. Did see Terry at Pizza Hut looking wounded/pissed – couldn’t tell really. Got to go. This isn’t like your new job – we actually have to work. Call soon. Love, Debs.
David Crutton – 1/5/00, 10:04am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: an early review is a good review!
I was informing you that I wanted to review the work. I wasn’t asking you to be there. Please pay attention.
David Crutton – 1/5/00, 10:09am
to: Simon Horne
cc: Susi Judge-Davis
re: are you alive?
I’ve e-mailed you once already this morning without response. In fact, it seems my entire workforce has tried to make contact with you, with no success. I don’t expect any trouble today, Simon. You and I are going to review Coke at 11:30 on the dot.
Brett Topowlski – 1/5/00, 10:20am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: Shit, meet Fan
Susi says Crutton has gone fucking apeshit. She doesn’t know why, but he wants a Coke review. 11:30 TODAY! Shit! Got anything? Me and Vin have bugger all. We were slaughtered last night. Where the fuck were you? You were spot on, Lol wasn’t wearing knickers – had to drop my lighter half a dozen times to be certain. Anyway, only just got in, and the one line we had on Coke went up Vin’s nose last night. I have a bad feeling.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 10:27am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: Neck, meet Noose
Coke, today? What the fuck is going down? Sorry I didn’t make it last night, but Pinki flew back in from her clairvoyant with one of her creative auras, so we did a late one. Reminded me why I put up with her and her Melissa Etheridge albums. She was brilliant and came up with a blinder for Mako.
And stuff your problems. Think about me. I’m a fucking fire officer!
Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 10:50am
to: Accounts Department
cc:
re: let’s make this the best fire drill ever!
As your designated fire officer, I’d like to draw your attention to the diagrams I circulated to all of you. These set out your starting positions for the drill. Can you log off your PCs at 11:23 hrs and take your marks at precisely 11:25 hrs? This will ensure that when the alarm sounds at 11:30 hrs, you will be in the optimum state of readiness to make a safe and rapid evacuation.
And perhaps this time we will beat our previous best of 3 minutes and 21 seconds. Good luck, Team Finance!
Nige
David Crutton – 1/5/00, 10:52am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: sort it
I’ve e-mailed your lord and master twice this morning, to no avail. You have also fobbed me off on the phone. You’ll know me well enough by now to appreciate that patience doesn’t figure in my genetic make-up. So let’s keep this simple. The Coke review will happen at 11:30. If it doesn’t, I’ll fuck your boss so badly, he’ll never get another job in advertising. In fact, he’ll be so sh
afted, even McDonalds would think twice before hiring him. I trust you’ll pass on the message.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 10:54am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: PANIC STATIONS!
Darling, your door’s locked, and you won’t answer your phone or e’s. I’m sure you’re only having one of your “can’t-be-disturbed-creative-inspiration-moments,” but you should know that David is going mental and is saying some beastly things. He’s insisting that the Coke 11:30 happens. You are OK for that, aren’t you? I’m going to tell him you are anyway, before he explodes . . . Sx
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/5/00, 10:57am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: sort it
David, ever so sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but it’s been a madhouse with work down here. I’ve just spoken to Simon. He says 11:30 is fine and he’s really looking forward to it!
Brett Topowlski – 1/5/00, 11:09am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: Balls, meet Vice
Susi’s just been in to tell us to get our stuff ready for the 11:30. Didn’t tell her we haven’t got any. We need this job – Vin still owes four grand on his Fireblade and I just got the insurance through for my R1 – £1500! We’re fucked!
Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 11:11am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: relief is at hand
I have a plan.
Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 11:16am
to: Creative Department
cc:
re: FIRE DRILL
The fire drill that will take place in a few minutes is very important. As the fire officer for this floor, I have been informed that the London Fire Brigade will be observing and the renewal of our fire certificate depends on it. Stop whatever you’re doing when the alarm sounds and clear the building calmly and quickly. Ken Perry stresses that this drill takes precedence over any meetings or reviews that are scheduled for that time.