e Squared Read online

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Saturday - Mood: optimistic

  Sunday - Mood: sober

  Thursday - Mood: turkey

  Monday - Mood: resolute

  Tuesday - Mood: slurpy

  Wednesday - Mood: positive

  Thursday - Mood: litigious

  Sunday Mood: confessional

  Monday - Mood: lilac. Or paisley. No, definitely lilac. OMG, it’s so hard to ...

  Tuesday - Mood: 97% gay

  Wednesday - Mood: charitable (up to a point)

  Thursday - Mood: horny for a little MILF magic

  Monday - Mood: self-aware

  Tuesday - Mood: only slightly more delusional than usual

  Wednesday - Mood: insomniac insomniac

  Friday - Mood: paranoid

  Sunday - Mood: kickass

  Monday - Mood : alive. Then dead. Then somehow inexplicably alive again. Then ...

  Tuesday - Mood: au gratin

  Wednesday - Mood: sick with love, gratitude and squirming remorse

  327 days 23 hours and 43 minutes later - Mood: sullied cheapened vulgarized

  Acknowledgements

  A PLUME BOOK

  e2

  MATT BEAUMONT has never worked in the advertising business and he has never met anyone who does. In fact, he has never even seen a single advert in his life. Not one! This novel is entirely made up.

  He has a vaguely informative Web site: LetsTalkAboutMe.com.

  PLUME

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A. Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.) Penguin Books Ltd., 80 Strand, London WC2R ORL, England Penguin Ireland, 25 St. Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd.) Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty. Ltd.) Penguin Books India Pvt. Ltd., 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi - 110 017, India Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd.) Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty.) Ltd., 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Published by Plume, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Previously published in Great Britain by Bantam Press, an imprint of Transworld Publishers.

  First American Printing, February 2010

  Copyright © Matt Beaumont, 2010

  All rights reserved

  REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

  CIP data is available.

  ISBN : 978-1-101-19558-1

  Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials. Your support of the author’s rights is appreciated.

  BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE AT QUANTITY DISCOUNTS WHEN USED TO PROMOTE PRODUCTS OR SERVICES. FOR INFORMATION PLEASE WRITE TO PREMIUM MARKETING DIVISION, PENGUIN GROUP (USA) INC., 375 HUDSON STREET, NEW YORK, NEW YORK 10014.

  http://us.penguingroup.com

  This story is dedicated to the memories of Adam Theokritoff and Mick Devito.

  Saturday

  Mood: optimistic

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others...

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.18

  Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8

  Well, here we are again. Another year, another catalog of ups, downs and in-betweens. Mostly ups, it has to be said. It’s been a good year chez Crutton. As is the custom in these circular missives, I’ll take you through the highlights, though contrary to the norm, I’ll try not to make my children sound too amazing.

  Let’s start with the head of the household. David has thrown himself into his new job with abandon. In fact, he’s at the office now—he’s slowing down a little these days, but he’s still of the opinion that God was a slacker for taking Sunday off. As most of you know, he started as The Man (CEO in old speak) at Meerkat360 four months ago and he’s enjoying himself immensely, though he’s still uncomfortable referring to himself as The Man. And, if truth be told, he still chokes a little when he has to say Meerkat360 out loud. He’s from an age when advertising agencies were named like accountancy firms rather than pop groups. And to conclude this subject, I think he’d really like to be allowed to call it an advertising agency (which it is! It does adverts) rather than a Thought Collective. But, bless him, he’s adjusting to the new orthodoxy, the gist of which seems to be that there is no longer any orthodoxy.

  He’s thrilled that he managed to mark his first few weeks with a big assignment from Esmée Éloge to launch a raft of celeb perfumes. He led the pitch with all the gusto of old and, as a result, next Christmas you can expect in your festive hampers the alluring scents of Leona Lewis, Sienna Miller and Margaret Thatcher. No, I made that last one up!

  One final note on David—test you fear this is turning into the DC Annual Report—he has managed to find the time to take up meditation. It really has transformed his outlook and he is sweetness and light personified.

  [saved as draft]

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: David Crutton

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.27

  Subject: It would be nice to know...

  ... that you’re going to leave the office for long enough to put in an appearance this weekend. If you hadn’t left at dawn this morning, I would have reminded you that we’re supposed to be going to Kath and Graeme’s tonight. Would you like to come and at least make a pretense of being a functioning couple?

  By the way, I’m writing the annual Christmas letter. Anything in particular you want me to include?

  From: David Crutton

  To: Janice Crutton

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.30

  Subject: Re: It would be nice to know...

  I’ll be there. Though if I have to listen once again to Graeme run through each and every one of the 3,452 stations on his digital radio (“which, with splendid irony, Dave, has been designed to look precisely like a fifties valve set!”), I will ball up his ironic fucking tank top and shove it down his ironic fucking throat.

  Maybe you could have a word with Kath.

  The family letter: nothing I want you to mention; plenty I don’t. Meditation for one.

  Jesus, I cannot go on like this.

  From: David Crutton

  To: Alex Sofroniou

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 14.32

  Subject: e-mail issues

  As head of IT, your first job on Monday morning is to explain to me why every time I type my name at the foot of an e-mail, “The Man” appears in a typeface that wouldn’t have been out of place in Star Trek, season 1.

  Your second
job is to make it stop.

  The alternative is that I will have to stop signing e-mails. Which will make me seem rude. Which demonstrably I am not.

  Thank you for your cooperation in this matter :-)

  See?

  Oh, for fuck’s sake.

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.06

  Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8 [continued]

  On to Noah. I’m delighted to report that number-one child is flying. I must say that David and I were a little baffled by his A-level choices (drama, chemistry and Polish), but he wants to leave the actor/quantum chemist option open for as long as possible. And I suppose, if nothing else, he’ll always be able to communicate with his plumber. To his credit, he’s really making it work. As I write he’s in his room, revising for his mocks.

  He’s maturing into a wonderful young man. He really looks out for Tamara and it’s lovely to behold the growing sibling bond. We have every confidence in Noah. This is going to be his year: stellar A-level results and then onto the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. Or Quantum Chemistry at the University of Lodz!

  [saved as draft]

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Noah Crutton

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.12

  Subject: List

  Since you are intent on re-creating last summer’s Glastonbury music festival behind a locked and barricaded bedroom door, this is the only way I have of communicating with you. A to-do list: 1. Please turn your music down.

  2. If you have dirty laundry in there, chuck it onto the landing. Or are you planning to leave it until it’s ripe enough to make its way to the washing machine under its own steam?

  3. Please tidy your desk.

  4. And while you’re at it, look for the stuff I Googled for your biochemical thermodynamics assignment.

  5. Which you have to hand in on Monday.

  6. Dad and I are out tonight. Can you keep an eye on your sister? I don’t want to come home and find a policewoman babysitting her again.

  7. You are working up there, aren’t you? (Remember: biochemical thermodynamics, MONDAY.) I don’t know how you can concentrate with that racket. I know that I can’t.

  8. So please turn the music down.

  9. I’m making a sandwich. Interested? Or do you have a stash of food?

  10. TURN THE BLOODY MUSIC DOWN!

  Mum x

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Noah Crutton

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.17

  Subject: TURN IT DOWN!

  For God’s sake, I asked you to turn it down, not up. I now have plaster dust in my coffee. Thanks for that.

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others ...

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.18

  Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8 [continued]

  Tamara, too, is blossoming into a lovely young woman. Kind, sensitive and, though I say it myself, very pretty. It’s a big year for her as well. GCSEs in June and I’m pleased to say that, like her brother, her nose is to the grindstone.

  And, like her brother, she’s no stranger to drama. She made an exceptional Cecily in the school production of Earnest. She looked a picture in crinoline and was a proper Edwardian lady. According to the review in the local paper, she was “the epitome of modesty and decorum!” I’m tempted to scan it in and attach it to this, but that would be sad, wouldn’t it?

  [saved as draft]

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Beverly Crutton, Sarah Franks, Geraldine Crutton and 17 others...

  Sent: 20 December 2008, 15.24

  Subject: The Crutton Chronicles, Volume 8 [continued]

  Last and most definitely least, me! I’m still making a decent fist of juggling corporate law and parenthood, though I must say it gets easier as the kids grow older and more responsible. We had a busy year at Bancroft Brooks. Redundancies last March doubled the workload for those of us that remained. Nothing terribly exciting to report. I was mentioned in dispatches for my handling of RTZ’s acquisition of ...

  As I said, nothing exciting to report.

  But I’m happy and I have my health, and doesn’t that become increasingly important year on year?

  A brief round-up of the other Cruttons:Courtney was 17 last week (about 1,000 in cat years).

  Henry Hamster sadly passed away. Tamara’s eighth Henry and, though she buried him with the usual tears, her last. She is definitely growing up.

  The fish are well. They send their regards.

  I’ve attached a pic of the four of us in Sardinia last summer. Please try to ignore the tum! I’ve lost 9 lbs since then. And yes, that glint in Tamara’s nose is a stud. After not a little pressure, we finally gave in. We’ve drawn the line though. Definitely no tongue stud!

  That’s all from us. I hope you’re all well. And I hope you all have fantastic Christmases and wonderful New Years.

  All our love,Janice, David, Noah & Tamara

  xxxx

  Sunday

  Mood: sober

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Jon Parkin, Sita Brahmachari, Blair Krempel, Aneil Bedi, David Glass, Pippa Reedy, Justine Rogers, Kuo Lee Chien-Fu, Ron Hanlon, Hazel Park

  Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.12

  Subject: Apology

  I will be around later to apologize to each of you in person, but since I have you in my contacts as the Neighborhood Watch group, I thought I’d rattle off an early e to register our sincere regret at what took place last night.

  Firstly, I want to assure you that neither David nor I sanctioned the party. Certainly if we had, we would have stayed home to keep a discreet eye on things and we would not have allowed our children to invite the 250+ that the police claimed turned up.

  (Personally, I feel it was definitely no more than 200, but that is splitting hairs.)

  However, David’s and my obvious horror does not absolve us of our responsibilities. We should not have allowed it to happen and we are deeply, deeply sorry for the horrendous noise and also for the unforgivable abuse that some of you endured. I don’t suppose it’s any consolation at all, but our house now resembles Ground Zero.

  Sita, I promise that Noah will be around later to clean the graffiti from your wall. And, Blair, please let me know what the vet charged for stomach-pumping your beautiful Burmese.

  Once again, I am sincerely sorry and I hope that, in time, you can find a way to forgive us.

  Janice Crutton

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: Kath Hunter-Firth

  Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.23

  Subject: Thanks

  Hi Kath,

  First of all, thank you so much for last night. The meal was truly wonderful. You are such an adventurous cook. Honestly, I wouldn’t have a clue where to buy goat’s tongue, let alone what to do with it.

  I must apologize for David though. In mitigation, he has been terribly overworked, but that doesn’t excuse his grouchiness. Please assure Graeme that he wasn’t casting aspersions at his digital radio. He loves anything digital. It was the stress talking, as well as, I suspect, a certain amount of male gadget envy!

  I’ll get you guys over here soon. I will attempt to do something thrilling with chicken breast and my husband will prove what an utter charmer he really is.

  Thanks again and Christmas hugs,Janice x

  From: Janice Crutton

  To: David Crutton

  Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.31

  Subject: Question

  So, while I am cleaning vomit off the floors, the walls and (incredible but true) the half-landing skylight, while I am trying to figure out how to get fluorescent pizza grease out of an ivory sofa, while I’d rather not figure out the provenance of the stains on our duvet, while I am groveling on my knees to our neighbors because of our children and to my best friend because of you, where the
hell are you?

  Oh, that’s right, work.

  Honestly, what can be so important that it keeps you away from your imploding family? Happy bloody Christmas, David.

  From: David Crutton

  To: Dotty Podidra

  Sent: 21 December 2008, 09.35

  Subject: Still in bed?

  As my longest-serving PA (is it really seven years?) you should be fully conversant with my views on sleep. Get up, eat your croissant/Coco Pops and get your arse in here. I need you to show me how you do frog accents on Word. Can’t do the angled thing on the second e of Esmee and the first of Eloge, which, in a letter to the CEO of Esmee Eloge, is not good form.