e Read online

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: DATELINE MAURITIUS: DAY 1

  There we were descending into Bahrain for our stopover when I heard this pop from 16F. It was LOVE bird Linzi in a lot of pain. One of her implants had ruptured. Something to do with the air pressure. The captain had to do “is there a doctor on the flight?” – there were four and then they had a shit fight to be first to write it up for the medical rags. When we landed she was rushed to hospital. Vin was well gutted. He’d earmarked her to provide executive stress relief. Now our cast is down to five.

  Got to Mauritius and things definitely started looking up. Customs pulled Horne out of the queue and found his personal pharmacy – didn’t believe they were prescription. They took him off somewhere and he turned up at the hotel six hours later, bandy as a man who’d just been strip-searched. He went straight to his suite and we haven’t seen him since. Hopefully he’ll stay there for the duration – wanker.

  This place is fucking amazing, no word of a lie. Martine McCutcheon is here – you should see her in a thong bikini – scary. Better still that French bird who was in Betty Blue and the old one2one ads is staying. Vin hit on her at the bar last night and she told him “go fuck yourself” with the sexiest accent you ever heard. Never seen the brush off give a bloke a hard-on.

  Vin, Mel and Nathan have buggered off in a Mini Moke to look at locations. I’ve just had breakfast on my verandah (can you believe it, this place has five stars and they’ve never heard of Heinz Salad Cream). I can hear Mandi (38DD-25-36. Hobbies: aerobics, dancing, tractor pulls – no, honestly) waking up. She’s still upset about Linzi’s exploding breast and she’ll need some comforting. In the words of the awesome Jay-Z, it’s a hard knock life.

  What happened to you Friday night? Did you get off with that Bosnian barmaid? Vin was so wasted he nearly didn’t make the flight. Had to put him through crash detox in the Heathrow Club lounge.

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 4:48am (8:48am local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: jobs

  1. Phone my doctor the moment you arrive and order more drugs. DHL them to me ASAP. The illiterate peasants they have for Customs here have apparently never heard of Prozac and have confiscated the lot.

  2. When Pinki deigns to come in, tell her to fax over whatever she has on Coke. No excuses.

  3. If David shows any interest at all tell him I am having a bloody nightmare.

  David Crutton – 1/10/00, 8:22am

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: great start

  Where in fuck’s name are you? Didn’t Rachel make it clear that now you work for me your start time is 8:00am? You are no longer part of the please-yourself hippy commune they call the Creative Department. I’m going to a meeting with our bankers now. When you finally arrive I’d advise you to spend time reflecting on your new responsibilities.

  Pinki Fallon – 1/10/00, 8:45am

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  re: new system

  I’d like to try a new way of working this week. I propose a daily get-together where we can review work-in-progress in a more constructive, less confrontational way. This might lead to a greater sense of collective ownership of our ideas. The first session is at 12:30 in the boardroom. See you there. And give our new girl, Lorraine, a big smile. She’s sitting where Zoë used to be . . .

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 9:01am

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: jobs

  You poor, poor darling! The doctor is issuing new prescriptions and the pills should be with you tomorrow first thing.

  Now I don’t want to tell tales, but there are some things you should know about. Pinki has just sent round an e about a new review system. It doesn’t make a bit of sense to me but I’m sure you wouldn’t like it. She’s also lit some really smelly incense sticks by the lift. Ken Perry has already been up and said they’ll set off the sprinklers. And she says you can’t have any Coke stuff until David has seen it. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s all nothing, really . . . Sx

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 9:12am

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc:

  re: pointers

  I’d hate us to get off on the wrong foot on your first morning, but there are a couple of things you should know about Simon and the kind of department he likes to run.

  TIMEKEEPING: He is terribly strict about starting on time (8:45) so that there is always someone here to “person” the phones. I noticed you were a couple of minutes late this morning.

  DRESS: Although the creative department is traditionally casual, Simon prefers the PA’s to be a little smarter. Maybe you could drop the hemlines a tad. And I think you’ll find a pair of “flatties” more comfy with the amount of dashing around you’ll be doing.

  KNICK-KNACKS: Simon prefers us to keep the personal effects on and around our workstations to an absolute min’. He will allow a couple of photos of mummy/boyfriend, but don’t stick them on the wall, pop them in a nice silver frame.

  TEA/COFFEE RUN: First job every morning is to pop up to the kitchen and get a couple of pots of tea (Darjeeling for Simon, Earl Grey for me) and a flask of coffee for visitors. It’s not compulsory but Simon really adores those little cinnamon bickies they have. But while he’s away just the Earl Grey is fine.

  FRATERNISATION: Simon really hates it when creatives hang around the PA’s desks. He likes to see them in their offices slaving away I’m afraid. I can see Liam by your PC as I type. It’s only a little thing but I wouldn’t encourage him.

  I know I’ve made him sound like an absolute monster, but honestly he’s not. If you stick to the rules he’s a total, utter sweetie! I know that you and I are going to get along really well. Maybe we can nip out for a quick bite at lunch and get to know each other.

  Susi Judge-Davis

  Executive Assistant to the Creative Director

  Ken Perry – 1/10/00, 9:23am

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: “joss sticks”

  I am obliged to point out that the igniting of scent-impregnated candles, incense and other aromatic paraphernalia is prohibited under the terms of our insurance agreement. They are defined in the policy as “incendiary devices” and, as such, represent a fire hazard. I will send Shanice round the building this morning to gather up all such materials.

  Thank you for your co-operation.

  Ken Perry

  Office Administrator

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 9:25am

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc:

  re: pollen alert

  Hate to be a spoilsport but that gorgeous bouquet you’ve just had delivered will have to go. Simon is incredibly sensitive to pollen. I know that he’s not back for a week but it lingers even with the air con. Sorry.

  Lorraine Pallister – 1/10/00, 9:30am

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: Susi Judge-Dredd

  I’m off to a bloody flier with Ally McBeal’s Even Thinner Sister. She just went through Simon’s dos and don’ts. Apparently I’m unsuitably dressed, have to get rid of my Chemical Bros. poster and I’m not allowed to let you dribble on my keyboard. And you’ll have to dump the flowers you sent me. Simon’s allergic (would be, wouldn’t he?). But thanks – they’re beautiful. Didn’t have you down as a soppy git.

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 9:33am

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: greetings from cloud #9

  While you’re busy porking Mandi, Candi, Randi or Sandi, some of us are actually earning money. Pinki’s had me knocking out Coke posters since the crack of dawn. They’re the dog’s bollocks as well. They’re on the line Horne came up with – IT’S IN THE CAN – which I must
admit ain’t bad for a sad old tosser. He’s done some half-decent scripts too. One of them uses that old Garbage track, “Queer,” which is pretty cool. And if you bear in mind Horne’s tastes in Asian “ladies” it takes on exciting, new meanings.

  Blinding weekend. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind. Lol’s mate Debbie is a horny little minx but she didn’t come through on the O’Keefe Sandwich front. She got off with some scruffy little bloke who deals at Sound Republic and disappeared for the duration. Saw Zoë there too, giving it rock-all with a big black guy (I’m talking Barry White big).

  Lol just gets saucier. I’m a new man. I actually went out to the deli yesterday to get us croissants and freshly squeezed orange juice for breakfast. And this morning I experienced an urge to send her flowers. I tried but I couldn’t fight it off. White lilies – thirty-five sodding quid.

  Pinki is trying to turn the place into Haight Ashbury 1969 but she’s managed to get the department working their nuts off. It’s weird. You can tell Susi doesn’t approve. Lol came up with Susi Judge-Dredd. I like that. She could be a copywriter yet. Watch your arse, matey.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 9:38pm

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  bcc: Rachel Stevenson

  re: my condolences

  I hope that the funeral on Friday wasn’t too awful. I overheard Liam mention that he saw you at the Sound Republic on Saturday. We all have to search for a personal way of expressing our grief at times like these, and I am glad that you have found yours. If you need a shoulder, you know where I am. All the best with your new job.

  Pinki Fallon – 1/10/00, 9:44am

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  David Crutton

  cc:

  re: Coke

  I think we are making good progress with Coke. The scripts are in great shape and ready to brief out as storyboards the moment you give the nod. Liam and I have done half a dozen posters, which we’re very pleased with. I also have three teams working on press, radio, point-of-sale and guerrilla media ideas and I’ll be looking at their first thoughts at 12:30. So if it’s cool with you guys, I’d like to show you everything at 4:00. I know you were talking about rewriting Dan’s presentation, Harriet, so it would be good if you had the work in your head before you make a start. E me with your feelings . . .

  Nigel Godley – 1/10/00, 9:52am

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: for sale

  RONCO BUTTONEER

  • The revolutionary gizmo that makes sewing on buttons “a thing of the past.”

  • So simple even a “man” can use it!

  • Use anywhere – on a train, on the loo, in a meeting.

  • Never have that embarrassing “I’m missing a button” feeling again.

  • £9.00 or nearest offer.

  • First to see will buy.

  Call x4667 – Nige

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/10/00, 9:59am

  to: Pinki Fallon

  cc:

  re: Coke

  You’re making life easier already, Pinki. I’m free whenever you need me.

  David Crutton – 1/10/00, 10:01 am

  to: Pinki Fallon

  cc:

  re: Coke

  It sounds like you’re on top of it, Pinki. I sincerely hope you’re not just full of shit like your boss. I’ve got twenty-five minutes at 4:00. I guess that’s when I’ll find out.

  debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk 1/10/00, 10:16am

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: I’m back

  Somehow I managed to get on a train home last night. Sorry I lost you but that guy Howie gave me the best E in the world. Ever. I was totally off my face. Liam’s cute. I think. Can’t honestly remember. Hit “reply” if you’re still talking to me . . . Debs

  Zoë Clarke – 1/10/00, 10:21am

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: my condolences

  Thank you for your concern, Susi. It’s good to know who your friends are. I feel quite strong. I learnt how to deal with death during my time working alongside you . . . Zxxx

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 10:30am (2:30pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: jobs II

  1. When you parcel up those drugs pop in a bottle of Laphroaig. It’s proving quite impossible to find a decent malt whisky on this île tragique.

  2. Inform Pinki that she will fax me all Coke material now. Remind her who saved her job last week when she lost her mind.

  3. And tell her as well that under no circumstances whatsoever is she to use my office. She may have temporary possession of my title but there is no way I will tolerate her performing Feng Shui with my furniture.

  4. Remind me to write to Michelin/World’s Leading Hotels about le Touessrok. Its standards have plummeted since last I was here. It took room service six attempts to deliver a correctly prepared eggs Benedict.

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 10:33am

  to: debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

  cc:

  re: I’m back

  Think I worried about you? You’re the girl who went AWOL for five days in Fuengerola. As long as you had fun in the bright lights it’s OK by me. At my new desk now. If Liam leans over far enough he can just see me from his office. Actually he can just see the tempting flashes of my Calvins that I’m giving him. Brain’s telling him to work. Knob’s got other plans. He’s on his way over: BRAIN 0, KNOB 1. See you later . . . Lolx

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/10/00, 10:38am

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc:

  re: Liam

  What is Liam doing under your desk? Did you not read my earlier note re fraternisation? Consider this a friendly warning.

  Lorraine Pallister – 1/10/00, 10:40am

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: Liam

  Not what you think. He’s reconnecting my PC to the printer. He’ll be done in about . . . um . . . six minutes.

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 11:13am

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: jobs II

  Don’t worry, Si, darling, all requests in hand. Pinki is still being funny about sending you Coke stuff so maybe you should e her direct. By the way, I’m having terrible trouble with the new girl, Lorraine. I don’t think she’s going to be “one of us.”

  Lorraine Pallister – 1/10/00, 11:16am

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: help!

  Fancy lunch? Only been on this floor ten minutes and Susi is already getting right on my tits. Need to know how the fuck you handled her.

  Zoë Clarke – 1/10/00, 11:19am

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc:

  re: help!

  Bar Zero, 1:00. I’ll give you the full monty on the cow!!!!!! Zxxx

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 11:34am

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Coke

  I hope this reaches you in Mauritius without getting chewed up and spat out in cyberspace. Everything is going well, I trust. I’ve just been going through your draft of the Coke presentation and I have to say that there are some bits that didn’t make complete sense. I hope you don’t mind but I’m going to have a bash at rewriting it. Of course I’ll fax my attempt to you upon completion. I’d appreciate your input.

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 12:11pm (4:11pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Coke

  Susi tells me that you are reluctant to forward the Coke work to me.

  You cannot have forgotten already that “IT’S IN THE CAN” is my idea.

  Nor will you fail to remember
that it was only my trust in you that enabled you to be promoted in my absence.

  Bearing those two things in mind, you will fax the work to me forthwith.

  Si

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 12:14pm

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Coke

  Simon, it is honestly not my idea not to send you the Coke work. David is adamant that he see everything first. I’m sorry, but I can’t go against him on this. Of course I’ll get everything to you as soon as he approves it . . .

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 12:18pm (4:18pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: migraine, migraine . . .

  Add Migraleve to package.

  Lorraine Pallister – 1/10/00, 12:26pm

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  re: reminder

  Pinki has asked me to remind you that the creative gangbang starts in five in the boardroom. Enjoy.

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 12:30pm (4:30pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: DATELINE MAURITIUS: DAY 1

  Just read your e. Sure I’ve seen that Coke line somewhere before. It’s bugging me now. I’ll ask Vin when he gets out of the shower. Just got back from his location search. Says all the beaches were shite and Mel and Nathan both got stung by jellyfish. Vin reckoned his O’Neill wetsuit saved him (£200 well spent then). Horne still hasn’t emerged from the honeymoon suite and he’s got a room service waiter on permanent standby. You should see Westbrooke. He’s one of those fashion tragedies who wears his socks on the beach. He’s spent the day running after the client who’s cruising the deckchairs like a fat, sweaty David Hasselhoff. Got to go. Mandi has put my Deep Heat on her sunburn and she’s squealing like a piglet. She’s none too bright but she’s got BJ lips (collagen is A Good Thing).

  [email protected] 1/10/00, 12:45pm (4:45pm local)

  to: [email protected]