e Read online

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 4:30pm

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: what have I done to deserve you?

  I feel very badly let down by each and every one of you.

  No, worse than let down.

  Wounded.

  I seem to spend my life defending your hides.

  You repay me with the saddest parade of ideas passing off as advertising that it has been my misfortune to see.

  At 3:30 tomorrow we will review Coca-Cola once again.

  This is the saloon named Last Chance.

  I kid you not.

  Si

  Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 4:31 pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: going, going . . .

  I’m right out of staples and paper clips but I still have pads (lined and plain) and green Bics. – Nige

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 4:36pm

  to: Vince Douglas

  Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: FINAL WARNING

  Gentlemen, I held back from singling you out in my note to the department to spare your embarrassment.

  However, I would like you to know that your Coke idea was the worst of a lamentable bunch.

  If you believe you can convince me that taking the brand name and highlighting the letters “OK” is l’idée grande, one that will win us a multi-million-pound account, then you must think I have been in this business five minutes.

  It was worse than pathetic.

  For too long I have harboured the fond hope that your banal profanities and shabby appearance masked the quick wits of true creative practitioners.

  Sadly not.

  Maybe you are simply in holiday mood at the prospect of winging your way to Mauritius next week to shoot LOVE. I would be more than happy to lift that heavy burden from your shoulders and cover the job myself if it would mean your rapt attention on Coke.

  And when you have a moment, Vince, you might care to jot down on a scrap of paper exactly how you think that wearing a T-shirt that bears the legend “TITS OUT FOR THE ART DIRECTOR” could possibly be seen as the uniform of a highly paid professional. I would love to know.

  Si

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 4:43pm

  to: James Gregory

  Katie Philpott

  cc:

  re: phew!

  Pinki and Liam have given me some Mako scripts and posters that have put a grin on my face for the first time in weeks. Come and inspect them immediately and tell me that the pressure to salvage this account hasn’t totally screwed my judgement.

  debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk 1/5/00, 4:45pm

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: still here

  Glad you’re still in employment, doll. Just one word of warning on the Bart/Brad/Liam thing: just remember what happened when you shagged that bloke in the Haçienda cos you thought he looked like Goldie . . . Debs

  Katie Philpott – 1/5/00, 4:58pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: genius!

  Harriet has just shown James and me your idea for Mako and I think it’s absolutely, totally brill! Well done! I don’t know how you creative chaps come up with it. Me, I haven’t got a creative bone in my bod’ – totally hopeless! See you later, clever clogs. – Katie P

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 4:59pm

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc: David Crutton

  re: urgent

  Lorraine, could I see David as soon as he’s out of his meeting on a very urgent matter? It regards Mako and an excellent idea that he must look at.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/5/00, 5:00pm

  to: Nigel Godley

  cc:

  re: going, going . . .

  Nigel, I don’t wish to be rude as I value your commitment to the company tremendously. However, IT tells me your e-mails are clogging the already over-burdened server. I’ve also had a number of complaints from people tired of wasting time on trivial memos. As I said, your hard work is appreciated. Please keep it up. Just go easy on the all-staffers.

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 5:02pm

  to: James Gregory

  Katie Philpott

  cc:

  re: drop everything

  David wants to see us right away. His office, two minutes.

  Brett Topowlski – 1/5/00, 5:04pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: arsehole

  Complimenting our work? It must be fucking brilliant. Horne shat on us big time. Had a go at everything, including Vin’s T-shirt. Even threatened to take us off LOVE – twat. I’ve been on the phone to the headhunter. Vin called his mum. Apparently she once went to his school and kicked the living shit out of his maths teacher when he gave Vin a bad mark. Said teacher needed reconstructive surgery on his ear. Letitia the fluffy headhunter had fuck-all in the way of jobs, so I reckon we’ll call in Mrs. Douglas and her big baseball bat. We’re off to BZ – no point hanging round where we’re not wanted. See you there.

  Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 5:07pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: censorship

  Godley’s Office Supplies is no longer open for business. It seems that certain people in this company do not wish to see initiative in the ranks. I fully expect to join Ken and Carla on the streets for writing this e-mail, but I’ve always believed in speaking my mind. I’ll be at the Earl of Wessex at six should anyone wish to share an ale and a fare-thee-well with me.

  Nige

  P.S. I would also like to point out that, unlike the so-called “trendy” Bar Zero, the Wessex forswears “fancy” imported lagers and serves an excellent pint of real British ale, not to mention pork scratchings.

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 5:17pm

  to: Pinki Fallon

  cc:

  re: Mako

  Harriet has shown me your Mako idea and I have to say it’s pretty bloody good. See me at 5:30 and we’ll discuss. Until then perhaps you and your scruffy partner can give some thought as to how you’d like to break the news to your boss that you’ve been sneaking work around behind his back.

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 5:19pm

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: who?

  I pride myself on being a caring chief exec who’s at one with his staff, but please answer me this. Who the hell is “Nige,” what is he going on about and should I give a toss?

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/5/00, 5:20pm

  to: Vince Douglas

  Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: tosser

  Boys, my thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Crutton wants to see Pinki and me on Mako. Haven’t shown Horne the work yet, so it could be fun when this gets out. I’ll be at BZ after that. Lol’s coming. By the way, I’m getting fan mail from the new girl, Katie. She fancies me. Have you seen the arse on it though? Mad eyes too. Definite bunny-boiler.

  [email protected] 1/5/00, 5:32pm (7:32pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: who?

  You must be more pressured with work than I am realising to not know about Nige Godley. He is indeed a Pillar of Hercules inside the Miller Shanks network. For much time now your Nige and Matti Littmanen of our own accountings department have been sharing productive e-mailings which result in a super-dooper efficient computer system to control our inventory of stationeries. This has made a major contributing factor to our becoming the 11th most profitable office in the European organisation.

  He is not all work, work, working either. He is being an enthusiastic partner in a cultural exchange with our Babylon 5 fan club here in Helsinki. I am already recommending Nige to Jimmy Weissmuller for a senior network position. He is exactly the type of far-sight
ing personality we need to meet the challenges of the next 2000 millenniums.

  May the Force be with you – Pertti.

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 5:38pm

  to: Chandra Kapoor

  cc: Rachel Stevenson

  re: come in, Kapoor, your time is up

  What exactly do you get up to in your den in the basement? Macramé? Tai chi? Or do you just sit on your arse and watch daytime TV? Because whatever the fuck it is, it’s not fixing the fault on my e-mail. You have until the morning.

  Letitia Hegg / [email protected] 1/5/00, 5:44pm

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: new stars in the firmament

  Si, darling, thx for Xmas cocktails at la casa Horne. Always a pleasure, and I’ve yet to meet a living soul who knows his way round the Spanish wine regions as well as el Horneo.

  On to business. I have a team that you will simply want to eat for brekky. Charming, talented and multi-multi-award winning, they are the toast of Italian advertising. Now they are dying to try their hands in the toughest arena of all. Their English is a bit flaky, but these days it’s all about the big visual, isn’t it? Words are so 20th century. At this mo’ they’re my little secret, but that won’t last. Trevor Beattie is already sniffing and soon it will be flies round shit. If you’re interested they’d come in at under 150k the pair. Shall I fax you their CVs?

  Let me know pronto, and kisses to gorgeous, gorgeous Celine – Letty xxx

  P.S. It wasn’t me who told you, but your two likely lads, Vince and Brett, are putting out feelers.

  Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 5:59pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: DRINKS

  Just to let you know that I’ll be departing for the Wessex in a moment, if anyone would like to join me in reception for the short walk there. And to they who must be obeyed, I will not be silenced and I leave with my head held high – Nige

  David Crutton – 1/5/00, 6:01 pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Mako

  Don’t ask me how it ended up here but I have some new Mako work on my coffee table. I think it’s rather good. Would you like to see what your department gets up to when you’re butt-naked and barely conscious on your sofa?

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/5/00, 6:03pm

  to: Nigel Godley

  cc:

  re: DRINKS

  Nigel, this is probably too late to catch you at your PC, but I must stress that nobody is firing you, or even contemplating doing so. My earlier e-mail was merely a gentle hint to go easy on the system. It seems to have had the opposite effect of making your “send” button busier than ever. I’ll keep quiet in future. In the meantime, I trust you’ll be at your desk in the morning.

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 6:22pm

  to: Pinki Fallon

  cc: Harriet Greenbaum

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: Mako

  I have just seen your sidekick, O’Keefe, sneak out of the building like the weasel he is, but perhaps you could grace me with your presence.

  I would like an explanation as to why a campaign for Mako has made it all the way to the Chief Executive’s office without passing even vaguely close to the quality control system.

  Namely, me.

  Clearly the account director has a case to answer and I will be taking up the matter with her in due course.

  However, Pinki, I find your part in this grubby business a far more personal betrayal.

  It was I who hired you.

  It is I who has stood by you despite numerous office hours visits to London’s ragbag collection of quacks.

  One thing I will expand on in the conversation we are about to have is how I can just as easily end our working relationship.

  Si

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/5/00, 6:26pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc: David Crutton

  bcc: Pinki Fallon

  Liam O’Keefe

  re: hold your horses

  Simon, before you do something regrettable with the best asset in your department, can I try to straighten this out? If you recall, we were promised a review with you on Mako this afternoon. When I tried to pin you down you weren’t available. I appreciate that you have been snowed under with Coke, but it isn’t the only brief on your desk with a heavy priority on it. Unlike Coke, Mako is a real client paying real salaries and we are under severe pressure to deliver. Given your inaccessibility, I took it upon myself to look at Pinki and Liam’s work and then take it on to David. If you have a problem, have it out with me.

  However, I believe our time would be better spent discussing the comparative merits of the Reeves and Mortimer campaign and the new work, which both David and I feel is very strong indeed.

  Pinki Fallon – 1/5/00, 6:58pm

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: hold your horses

  Harriet, I just read your e. Thanks for sticking up for us, but it’s too late. Simon was a pig just now. When he used the “c” word I couldn’t take any more and resigned. I’ve had enough of trying to be helpful and being treated like shit in return – excuse my language. I’m going to see if Liam is in Bar Zero now. Call me at home tomorrow. I’ll miss you . . .

  Simon Horne – 1/5/00, 6:59pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: small problem

  David, if you’re still here I need to see you urgently.

  I have just had to fire Pinki.

  As I will explain, her outrageous behaviour gave me no option.

  I am on my way up to you now.

  Si

  Nigel Godley – 1/5/00, 11:36pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: still here!!!!

  I popped back to clear the knick-knacks from my desk and it seems I still have a job. Just goes to show that when you display a bit of good old British pluck the powers that be back down, eh? So I may as well stick around for a bit – these invoices won’t file themselves. Any other workers still around, join me for a cuppa.

  Nige

  P.S. On my return I found some lady’s underthings by the lift door in reception. They’re size 12, emerald green, 100% polyester with a lacy panel at the front, slightly soiled. If they belong to anyone, they’re tucked safely in my drawer. Please feel free to collect.

  Thursday, January 6th

  Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 8:31 am

  to: Creative Department

  cc: Rachel Stevenson

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: personnel changes

  I am sad to report that I had to terminate Pinki Fallon’s contract of employment last night.

  No doubt this will come as a shock to you all.

  Decency prevents me from raking up the details, but please be assured that I had no choice.

  Obviously this has come at a very difficult time. The pressure we were under yesterday has now increased tenfold.

  But I know that each and every one of you will want to pull together for the company.

  If we roll up our sleeves and apply a sprinkling of magic fairy dust we can win the Coca-Cola pitch.

  Let us prove the critics wrong.

  We review at 3:30.

  Amaze me.

  Si

  David Crutton – 1/6/00, 8:45am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: personnel changes

  Well, isn’t this fascinating? Pinki leaves and we have not one but two riveting versions of the circumstances.

  Version 1: last night you told me you fired her. You claim she gave you no choice when she called you “a fucking cunting cunt who couldn’t write the tie-break slogan in a Kellogg’s Cornflakes competition, let alone a decent ad.” Such words may not trip off the tongue of the Pinki I know, but you’re the boss and I was prepared to stand by your decision.

  Then this morning Harriet tells me it would be in my interests to sp
eak to Pinki myself. Which leads us to . . .

  Version 2: Pinki claims, with some conviction, that she wasn’t fired but resigned the instant you called her (and I quote) “a fucking cunting cunt who couldn’t write the tie-break slogan in a Kellogg’s Cornflakes competition, let alone a decent ad.” Uncanny similarity except in the trivial matter of who spoke the offending words. She says that there is a cleaner who can corroborate her story and she wants to sue the arse off you (i.e., the company).

  Our only hope is that this cleaner is one of the Portuguese contingent and her English is so piss-poor that a decent silk can destroy her with some ruggedly British cross-examination.

  I wish that were our only problem. We are staring at a life-or-death Mako meeting for which we have one campaign (yours) that Harriet claims is unsaleable, and another without its creator around to carry out the necessary development.

  And then there is Coke . . .

  This is your mess, Simon. If you don’t phone me with a simple and elegant solution the second you click “close” on this e-mail, you will wish you had begged your careers teacher for a moped and an application form for Dominos Pizza.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 8:59am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc: David Crutton

  re: personnel changes

  Simon, we need to go over the details of Pinki Fallon’s departure yesterday. I’ve heard it was acrimonious and I need, for the record, your version of events should this return to haunt the company at some stage. I thank you for your earliest response.

  Shanice Duff – 1/6/00, 9:19am

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: Ken’s replacement

  Rachel, I’ve just had the contractors on the phone and they say they can’t get a temp office manager in for at least another week! I really don’t think I can cope with people being rude to me again today. I’ve already had tons of messages about loos, photocopiers, and broken this and broken that and it’s not even 9:30. I can’t fix things myself, you know! Please, please sort this out. Can’t Ken come back?