e Read online

  The more copies the merrier. Hate to think the best bit of film I’ve shot in three years wasn’t going to be enjoyed by a wide and discerning audience. Just back from lunch. That girl’s amazing – what a pedicured size five can do under an overhanging tablecloth doesn’t bear repeating. She’s getting her mate down at the weekend. I’ll give them a guided tour of our great city (I’ll start with my bedroom then). So while you’re stuck on a crappy longhaul to some shit-arse tourist trap, guess what I’ll be doing. Ain’t life a bitch?

  Melinda Sheridan – 1/6/00, 4:40pm

  to: Daniel Westbrooke

  Vince Douglas

  Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: LOVE PPM

  Right, dearies, the pre-production meeting for LOVE is at 5:00 and here are a few dos and don’ts from She Who Has Been There, Done it and Got the T-Shirt.

  Dan – Do encourage your client to refrain from suggestions apropos film crew when he clearly doesn’t know his grip from his gaffer. Don’t let him drag us into the usual endless debate on wardrobe – since all we’re taking are six lamé thongs and nothing else, I don’t see that particular item on the agenda taxing us for long. Do coax him into nodding vigorously and enthusiastically during the “Director’s Interpretation.” Don’t allow him to raise his hand to suggest, for instance, a crane rather than a tracking shot on the opening. Nathan Zapruder believes his own billing as “the most dynamic directing talent in commercials” (Campaign passim) and will not take kindly to tips on camera craft from a marketing executive in a badly cut suit.

  Brett and Vincent – Don’t snigger like schoolboys at the back of the bus when we play the casting tape. We’ve all seen breasts before – maybe not this big nor quite this numerous, but we’ve seen them nevertheless. Do keep your hands on the table, where I can keep my eyes on them. Do pay attention when the discussion reaches the boring matter of schedules. You have a plane to catch on Saturday, and I’d very much like you to be on it. Don’t address the client directly at any time. In fact, don’t utter a squeak unless I speak to you first.

  Now boys, come show me the professionalism that is the Miller Shanks way. Actually, scrub that. Just BEHAVE YOURSELVES and pray that by the end of our week in the sun we have a correctly exposed film in the can, a fee well earned and a nicely tanned client. Buddha help us, as Pinki the Divine would say.

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/6/00, 4:42pm

  to: David Crutton

  Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Mako

  I hate to pressurise, but Mako are in tomorrow at 9:30. It is time we made a decision.

  To recap, there are two campaigns on the table. We must now decide which to present. My thoughts on the matter? No disrespect, Simon, but he will piss all over us if we push Reeves and Mortimer – he will see it for what it is: Little and Large trying to look trendy.

  My money is on Pinki and Liam’s GIVE YOURSELF A LIFT campaign. It is intelligent, witty and absolutely right for this client. I’ve spoken to Pinki and Liam and they can have everything ready in time. All I need now is the go-ahead. What do you say?

  David Crutton – 1/6/00, 4:49pm

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Horne 0, Greenbaum 1

  The final word: present LIFT, bin R&M. Simon, let the fact that I like your new Coke idea salve your wounds.

  [email protected] 1/6/00 – 4:52pm

  to: debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

  cc:

  re: pack your bags

  Oh my! Just done a major number on my boy, Liam. I did the under-the-table foot thing as I told him my best mate Debbie was in London at the weekend and would he like to come and join us (or rather, join us and come). He exploded in his khakis, poor lad. So it looks like your weekend’s booked. Train leaves Piccadilly at six tomorrow night. Meet you at Euston. Before you get mad, we’ll have a laugh. Liam’s cute and he loves you already – told him you looked just like Demi, only bigger. Go on, girl, don’t let me down. Gotta go. Boss is screaming – can’t find his TV remote. The psycho bastard will give himself a heart attack. I’ll undo another button before I go in and help it along. Get straight back about the weekend. Can’t wait – Lolx

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 4:53pm

  to: Melinda Sheridan

  cc:

  re: LOVE PPM

  Melinda, I do not appreciate your tone. It may do for the likes of Vince and Brett, but do not forget who I am. As you know, I am not one to bandy my title around, but as Head of Client Services, I am not short of experience. I do not need to be told how to behave in a pre-production meeting. And please do not refer to me as “Dan” in front of junior personnel.

  Daniel

  Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 4:55pm

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: dirty tricks

  It seems I have once again worked my heart out.

  For nothing.

  As you well know, David was ecstatic about Reeves and Mortimer until you meddled.

  What is this hold you have over him?

  If I were not such a gentleman I might suspect something tawdry.

  For the record, I believe GIVE YOURSELF A LIFT is weak.

  It is also hugely derivative. Of what, I am not sure, but I am certain it will come to me.

  It will not impress our client. I will permit myself a brief moment of schadenfreude when he throws it out of court as he inevitably will.

  I know I am down to attend tomorrow’s presentation but I feel it would be dishonest of me to turn up and feign enthusiasm for work I have no belief in.

  But then, as you seem to be making such an excellent fist of taking the Executive Creative Director’s job away from me, you hardly need me there.

  I will not forget this, Harriet. My memory is elephantine.

  Si

  David Crutton – 1/6/00, 4:57pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: well done

  I’m looking again at your Coke idea and I’ll use a word I save for special occasions. Genius. IT’S IN THE CAN is a brilliant concept. It feels as if it’s been done by hip teenagers. I really didn’t think a fart like you would still have it in you. I love the salesman/beekeeper script. More like that and we’re well on the way.

  Shit, look at me. I’m gushing.

  Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 5:03pm

  to: Melinda Sheridan

  cc:

  re: LOVE

  Melinda, darling, I have been thinking about Brett and Vince, and what lies ahead for them. I have tried to tell myself that they are ready for a shoot this big.

  Unfortunately, I remain unconvinced.

  The LOVE client is spending 650k on this film and it would be irresponsible of me to entrust the custody of such a huge budget to a callow team.

  I feel, therefore, it is incumbent upon me to come to the shoot.

  It is an extremely inconvenient time, given, inter alia, the mammoth task we have on Coke.

  But I have just delivered to David a pitch-winning campaign. I feel I can now step back from that and perform another key aspect of my job. Namely, guiding an eager yet inexperienced team through the rocky shoals of the foreign location shoot.

  So Melinda, one plane ticket on my desk tomorrow and I am all yours.

  Spare me the embarrassment of thanking me. You can do that as we applaud Brett and Vince upon receipt of their gongs for “Best Commercial.”

  Si

  Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 5:06pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: well done

  I am thrilled that you like “IT’S IN THE CAN.” I too think it is le Poisson d’Or for which we have been angling.

  I intend to work on it through the night and by mid-morrow will have a fully-fledged campaign for your delectation.

  And Mako is l’eau sous le pont. While I still have misgivings about “Lift,” I am p
repared as ever to bow to the consensus.

  Si

  Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 5:09pm

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: last chores of the day

  Susi, be an angel – run along to Mel’s office and grab the schedule for the LOVE shoot.

  Next, type up the other six Coke scripts that are on my Dictaphone.

  Finally, order me a cab for the Groucho ASAP.

  Oh, and have them pop a bottle of Dom Perignon in a bucket.

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/6/00, 5:11 pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: dirty tricks

  Simon, I am sorry you feel betrayed. That was not my intention and there has been no dirty tricks campaign.

  Pinki and Liam are lined up to present tomorrow morning. If you have a change of heart I would love you to attend the meeting to lend your stature and support. Despite what you clearly think, I am not a person to bear grudges. I hope that neither are you.

  Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 5:15pm

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: dirty tricks

  Harriet, as potatoes go, Mako is the babiest of baby new.

  I am immersed in Coke.

  Kindly get your priorities in order and desist from pestering me with politically loaded e-mails.

  Simon Horne – 1/6/00, 5:19pm

  to: Melinda Sheridan

  cc:

  re: LOVE

  I have just had Susi pop to your office to grab a call sheet for our shoot. I am looking at it and a couple of things strike me immediately.

  I notice we are booked into the Paradise Bay. I have been and, to be candid, I would not send my pool cleaner there.

  The only place to stay is le Touessrok.

  It is a quite superb hotel – a little pricey perhaps, but if we are expected to arise refreshed for the rigours of a dawn call, then nothing less will suffice. I would get on the phone when you are out of your pre-prod and change the booking tout de suite.

  I also gather that we are booked to fly Club. That may well be fine for the oily rags of the film crew. But First is essential for client, director and senior agency personnel. After all, Mauritius is eleven hours away.

  I understand we are to convene at Heathrow at 9:00am. Can you have a car pick me up at 6:30am, no later. I would not want to hold everything up now, would I?!

  If you are in the neighbourhood of the Groucho ce soir, do join me and we will have a little pre-shoot těte à těte.

  Si

  debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk 1/6/00, 5:22pm

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: pack your bags

  I can’t fucking believe you. If you think you’re gonna get me in another dodgy situation like we had with the Sedgewick twins at Sandra’s 18th, you can fuck right off. Tell Liam that we may be best mates but we don’t share everything. And tell him to bring a mate – flat stomach/fat wallet. A return to London will clean me out – you’re buying the drinks. Gotta go. If I’m supposed to be larging it with you this weekend I need to do my bikini line. See you tomorrow . . . Debs

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 5:28pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: job done

  Cab’s arrived, sweetie. Coke scripts will be on your desk first thing. Want me to call Celine and tell her you’re “working late”? Sx

  Pinki Fallon – 1/6/00, 5:49pm

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: food

  We’re on a late one with Mako, so can you order some pizzas for about 8:00 before you disappear? Six large Meat Feasts with extra ham and pepperoni for Liam and the studio boys. Anything without meat and cheese for me. Ta mucho . . .

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/6/00, 5:55pm

  to: Pinki Fallon

  cc:

  re: food

  I work for Simon and Simon alone. I will not order your pizzas. That would be Zoë’s job, though she departed long ago.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/6/00, 6:00pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: Chandra

  A severance letter has been drafted for Chandra and is with Lorraine for your signature. The deed will be done tomorrow. As far as e-mail is concerned, from what I can gather the problem is inherent in the software. Chandra has already arranged for a Lotus Notes expert to take a look.

  Melinda Sheridan – 1/6/00, 7:31 pm

  to: Daniel Westbrooke

  Vince Douglas

  Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: PPM

  Well, boys (apologies, Daniel, gentlemen), wasn’t that the pre-prod’ from Shitsville? Daniel, I sincerely hope you’ll make a better job of shepherding your client once we hit those beaches. Nathan Zapruder did not leave the building a happy director. I suggest that when cameras are rolling we follow the firework code and stand well back.

  But if you feel your stress levels bubbling up already, Danny Boy, fret not. Help is at hand. Our creative beacon, Simon Horne, has decided that we cannot possibly cope without him and will be joining our merry band. You will be further gladdened to hear that even before departure, he has had a marked influence. He has demanded we change the hotel booking to le Touessrok. Vincent and Brett, you will have hours of fun soiling sheets that have been rumpled by the regal arse of the Duchess of York.

  And, Daniel, you will cherish the expression on your client’s face as you hand him the invoice for (ooh, bit of mental arithmetic: thirty two crew, six cast, half-a-dozen assorted hangers on, plus Simon’s mini-bar bill) an extra £55,000. Roll on next week. I can’t wait. Can you?

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 7:44pm

  to: Melinda Sheridan

  cc:

  re: LOVE

  This is quite appalling. Does Simon not appreciate the fact that I have risen to Head of Client Services precisely because I am perfectly capable of nursemaiding a jittery client and a boisterous creative team? You can be assured that I will be taking up the matter with him forthwith.

  Brett Topowlski – 1/6/00, 7:49pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: pear shaped

  Fucking disaster. Mel just told us Horne’s coming on the fucking shoot. He can’t, can he? I mean he’s got the biggest fucking pitch of his life in just over a week. Crutton wouldn’t let him. Would he?

  It’s not even as if he likes the script. It only got presented because we’d run out of time and he’d already bombed everything else. This was supposed to be Vin and me on a beach. Alone. With just twelve perfectly spherical examples of the plastic surgeon’s art for company (all right, a film crew would be there, but you know what I mean). Why’s it all going so wrong? And why are you banged up in the studio working when we need you to help us drown in a vat of Absolut? Call yourself a mate?

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 7:51 pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: LOVE

  Simon, I am delighted that you have decided to accompany us to Mauritius on our little jaunt. Naturally, I am thankful that I will have some erudite company to help while away the tropical sunsets. I am more impressed, however, that you are prepared to pass on your Solomonian wisdom to our young creatives. I hope for their sakes that they will see the sacrifice you are making.

  Incidentally, I am pleased that you have moved us to le Touessrok. Try hard as she does, I must admit to doubts about Melinda’s abilities, particularly given the fleapit she had booked us into. And do not worry about the additional expense. I did not become Head of Client Services by not knowing how to “lose” unwanted costs in the hurly-burly of billing.

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/6/00, 7:57pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: LOVE

  Delighted as I am that Simon will be adding his steady hand to the tiller on our LOVE shoot, I must say that I am a little surprised that you ha
ve decided to let him accompany us with the Coca-Cola about to go “warp factor.” I would never doubt your reasons, David, and clearly you are confident enough in the direction the pitch is taking to feel that the agency does not need his creative scholarship.

  David Crutton – 1/6/00, 8:04pm

  to: Daniel Westbrooke

  cc:

  re: LOVE

  News to me. For once you’ve told me something I don’t already know. Bear one thing in mind. If I ultimately choose to let Simon go on your junket, it can only be that I deem his presence at the Coke pitch as inessential as that of the Head of Client Services.

  David Crutton – 1/6/00, 8:10pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: LOVE

  So when were you planning to tell me that you’re swanning off to the Indian Ocean? Perhaps you were going to send me a fax from your hotel. But even you couldn’t be fuckwitted enough to think that the other side of the world would be out of harm’s way when I found out. The only reason I’m not tearing you limb from limb is that you have given me some very good work today. An explanation wouldn’t go amiss.

  Pinki Fallon – 1/6/00, 8:38pm

  to: Studio

  cc:

  re: Pizzas

  Hi, Mac boys. Six lovely, hot pizzas (). Come and get . . .

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/6/00, 11:32pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: reference

  Anyone still here got a picture of Lisa from TLC? I need it desperately for a Mako ad. I think there was one in last month’s Maxim, but the pages of the only copy on my floor are stuck together. Ta.

  Nigel Godley – 1/6/00, 11:35pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: reference

  I’m here! Sorry, but I’ve never heard of TLC. I do have an excellent shot of Olivia Newton-John (from her creative peak in Xanadu!) if you can live with the drawing-pin marks. – Nige

  [email protected] 1/6/00, 11:49pm

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: HELLO FROM YOU MOTHER

  JESUS MY DEER SON. GREETING TO YOU AND TO ALL FAMMILY IN LISBOA. WHAT YOU THINK OF YOU OLD MAMA ON COMUTER EMAIL HEY? I AM START AT BIG ADVERT CUMPANY AND AM CLEAN THE BIG BOSS OFFIS. I SEE HIS COMUTER MACHINE ON SO I THINK TO PRACTIS ENGLISH AND COMUTER CORSE SKILLS IN ONE GOING. HOW IS YOU STUDYS AND YOU LOOK AFTER YOU LITTLE SISTER SARA LIKE I ASKING? THIS PLACE IS DISGUST. THIS NIGHT LAST I SEE MAN MAKE GIRL WORKER LOOS JOB AND THEN TO SHOW HOW HE DO NOT CARE HE MAKE SEX WITH MAN DRESS AS WOMAN ON OFFIS TABLE. I HAVE TO MAKE CLEAN AFTER. I PRAY TO SANTA MARIA FOR THE SOLE OF THIS PEOPLE. I SAY TO POOR GIRL WHO LOOS JOB I GO TO CORT FOR HER BEHALF AND BE WITNIS. I GO NOW AND CLEAN BIG BOSS TOILET. IT HAVE GOLD TAPS AND PERFUME THAT SMELL LIKE YOU AUNT THERESA MAY GOD FORGIVE HER. MY LOVE TO YOU AND I MISSING YOU. MAMA