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Friday, January 7th
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/7/00, 8:02am
to: James Gregory
Katie Philpott
Liam O’Keefe
Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: Mako
Morning all. Mako run-through in the boardroom in ten. See you there.
Pinki Fallon – 1/7/00, 8:06am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Mako
I’ll be a few minutes late. I’m re-writing one of the headlines to refer to Olivia Newton-John rather than TLC. Liam apologises. Says it was late and doesn’t know what came over him . . .
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 8:35am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: LOVE
David, I have just arrived to apply the final coat of lacquer to “IT’S IN THE CAN” and I have read your e-mail.
I am wounded that you think I would abandon ship in our hour of need. I have agonised deeply over this decision.
Let me, if I may, set out my reasons.
You have said yourself that my idée grande solves the Coke problem.
This morning I have new scripts to show you which will provide the creative heart of our pitch. The donkey work I leave for my department of willing and able bodies.
Mauritius may be the other side of the world but it is only a double click’s distance via mouse. My laptop flies with me and I have had Melinda upgrade our hotel simply to obtain me a suite equipped with videophone and facsimile.
This will form Mission Control for the assault on Coke.
I have also had Melinda book me onto every return flight to Britain. In the event that you need me in the flesh, shout and I will be straight back.
If you think I am going for the “jollies” you are mistaken. Mauritius was deleted from my wish list of destinations when Celine was attacked there by a Chinese croupier with a blackjack paddle.
She is still unable to talk about it.
I am going simply out of duty.
Vince and Brett are too grass-green to carry the weight of this shoot on their shoulders.
Besides which, while I would hate to steal their thunder, it was my inspiration that led to their LOVE script. I worry that they could not interpret my vision alone.
I hope this allays your suspicion that I have somehow been derelict in my responsibilities. Naturally, if you still feel I should be here, I will amend my plans in a jiffy.
Si
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 8:46am
to: Melinda Sheridan
cc:
re: LOVE
Mel, upgrade me immediately to a suite at le Touessrok. And make sure it is replete with videophone, fax and PC modem.
Then book me a seat on every flight back to the UK.
Should David ask, tell une petite mensonge blanche and mention that I requested said items yesterday.
David Crutton – 1/7/00, 8:58am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: Dagenham crap
Would someone, anyone, like to tell me why there’s a Ford Mondeo in reception. I nearly broke my leg on it. And, should our Mako client see it, he will surely fire us. Whoever is responsible, have it removed. You have half an hour before our client arrives.
David Crutton
CEO
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/7/00, 9:03am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Dagenham crap
David, you may recall phoning me at 11:00 last night with the quite brilliant suggestion that we put a Mondeo in reception to confront the Mako client with the serious competition he faces when he launches his new car. As a result James and Katie busted guts through the early hours to locate a cherry red car (you were most specific about the colour) and have it placed in reception for this morning’s presentation. Have you any idea how difficult it is to find specialists in the removal of plate glass at 3:30am? However, you were calling from what sounded like a very noisy bar, so perhaps I misheard you. Would you still like the vehicle removed?
Ken Perry – 1/7/00, 9:06am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: the car in reception
I have to endorse David Crutton’s remarks concerning the car in the reception area. If I may refer you to my all staff e-mail of 01/03/00 re new carpet tiles, it is a good example of the type of load that Dudley Kositredd was not designed to carry. As such it invalidates the extended warranty obtained from the fitters.
Thank you for your co-operation, and it is good to be back amongst you.
Ken Perry
Office Administrator
Brett Topowlski – 1/7/00, 9:09am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: the car in reception
Ken should also have mentioned that for anyone who drives to work, there is a perfectly adequate car park in the basement.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Brett Topowlski
Office Smart-arse
Melinda Sheridan – 1/7/00, 9:11 am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: LOVE
Hate to be a follicle-splitter, luvvie, but it’s un petit mensonge blanc (mensonge being appropriately masculine). On a French-speaking island like Mauritius, such a faux pas can make all the difference between a table with an ocean view and one by the kitchen slop bins. A bientôt.
David Crutton – 1/7/00, 9:12am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Dagenham crap
Of course I remember calling you. Do you think I’m senile? I was simply testing the knee-jerk response of the freshly returned Ken Perry. He passed with flying colours. Congratulate James and Katie on their ingenuity.
David Crutton – 1/7/00, 9:14am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: LOVE
Your attendance in Mauritius is conditional upon the following:
1. You leave your new Coke scripts with Lorraine for my approval, which you will pray to God, Krishna and the fucking Tooth Fairy that I grant.
2. You then put on a clean shirt and tie and proceed to the Mako meeting, where you will smile politely and make suitably positive noises as Pinki and Liam present their work. You will not once bring up Little and Large, Mork and Mindy or any other alleged comic double acts.
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 9:17am
to: Susi Judge-Davis
cc:
re: shopping
Well, sweetie, it looks like I have to go to Mauritius after all. It is a ghastly pain, but David is most insistent.
By the time you get to work I will have stepped into the Mako meeting. It seems that they cannot even manage that without me.
Would you pop out and buy me a couple of essentials?
1. Hawaiian Tropic, factors 10, 6 and 2.
2. Mosquito repellant.
3. A nose protector.
4. A pair of black Speedo trunks, 38 waist (their sizes come up frightfully small).
5. Copies of Captain Corelli’s Mandolin and the French translation of anything by Will Self.
6. Polo Sport shower gel.
7. Repeat prescriptions for Valium, Prozac and Mogadon. (You have my doctor’s number, don’t you?)
8. Crabtree & Evelyn smellies for my valise.
9. A couple or three XL T-shirts from HMV or Tower bearing logos for whomever the zeitgeist bands are. Genesis? Supertramp? You probably know better than I.
Order me £5,000 of traveller’s cheques ($US) and £500 of local currency from Accounts.
And book Celine in for a long weekend at her usual health spa (use my corporate Amex).
It will soften the blow when I tell her tonight we will not be flying to Vienna and her beloved Lipizzaners.
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 9:23am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: Mako
We can ill afford another setback on this account.
Frankly, if you are to stand any chance of selling this work, you will need my rapport with the client.
If there is a seating plan, place me at the head of the table and Pinki and Liam near the coffee trolley.
They might as well serve some useful purpose.
Si
Brett Topowlski – 1/7/00, 9:33am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: pussy
Me and Vince are away for a week (Mauritius, shoot, topless models, beer, yawn) and he needs somebody to feed his cat. Anyone live in Tooting who’d like to volunteer? Reward: duty-frees of your choice and first dibs on exclusive Polaroids of top models removing kit in name of Art.
Brett (for Vince)
P.S. He’d e himself if his Mac wasn’t still in its bubble wrap.
Nigel Godley – 1/7/00, 9:37am
to: Brett Topowlski
cc:
re: pussy
I’m just down the road in sunny Balham, so happy to oblige. Any particular brand? My own moggy is partial to Gourmet Gold Duck & Goose and won’t be fobbed off with inferior labels. Cats, eh? Let me know. – Nige
Brett Topowlski – 1/7/00, 9:45am
to: Nigel Godley
cc:
re: pussy
He was hoping for a bird who’d fall hopelessly in love with him on the strength of his sensitive taste in CDs (Mariah, Whitney, Britney), but he says you’ll do. Ta. Cat’s called Evander (big, black, half an ear missing). He’ll drop his keys down later.
Susi Judge-Davis – 1/7/00, 9:51am
to: Creative Department
cc:
re: there’s only so much I can do
As you may know, Zoë is “at a funeral” (!!!) today. While I would normally cover for her, I am up to my eyeballs organising Si for his trip to Mauritius. Perhaps for once you can fend for yourselves, secretarially speaking.
David Crutton – 1/7/00, 10:01am
to: Daniel Westbrooke
cc:
re: Kimbelle
You owe me an explanation – a fucking good one. I’ve just got off the phone to the Marketing Director at Kimbelle, who’s fired us. She claims she’s waited eight weeks for us to schedule a presentation on Super Dri. I suggested we would be delighted to show her work this very afternoon (do we even have any?) but she’s already seeing presentations from other agencies. Why wasn’t I aware of this problem? And if your answer is that neither were you, why the fuck not? You are in charge of Client Services. Do I have to show you a dictionary to explain what that means? This account represented a substantial 250k of revenue, much of which went towards your bonus last year. You’d better cancel the swimming pool you’re having built because you won’t receive a brass farthing at the end of this fiscal. My office, now.
David Crutton – 1/7/00, 10:20am
to: All Departments
cc: [email protected]
re: Kimbelle
After a great deal of agonising we have decided to resign the Kimbelle Panty Pads business due to irreconcilable creative differences. Over the last few weeks we have presented them with a number of groundbreaking campaigns, to no avail. It has become increasingly apparent that we would not be able to agree without compromising our creativity. In consequence, we have decided that it would be against the founding principles of Miller Shanks to give this client creative product in which we did not wholeheartedly believe. A parting of the ways was therefore inevitable. We wish them well in their search for a new agency.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who worked so hard on this difficult account to produce so much excellent work.
The good news is that there are a number of sanpro brands out there begging for the unique Miller Shanks approach. Now we are free of Kimbelle, let’s go to it and win one!
David Crutton
CEO
Brett Topowlski – 1/7/00, 10:27am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: off the rag!
Whoopee! We don’t have to sort out your dog’s mess on Kimbelle after all. And to think I was going to haul pad and pen all the way to Mauritius to wrestle with that one. How am I going to fill the time now? Can’t imagine. I did mention that we were going to Mauritius didn’t I?
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/7/00, 10:35am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Kimbelle
David, your anger over this fiasco is totally justified. As I told you, I was as surprised as you to learn we had difficulties on this. Rest assured that the guilty party has been identified and a severe reprimand is on its way.
James Gregory will not be so cocksure in the future.
I promise that, so long as I remain in a senior position at Miller Shanks, this will not happen again. Perhaps in my capacity as Head of Client Services I could instigate a working party to look into “early warning systems” to prevent a reoccurrence.
If you are agreeable, I shall make this a priority the instant I return from Mauritius.
Rachel Stevenson – 1/7/00, 10:40am
to: All Departments
cc:
re: Chandra Kapoor
After ten years with the company, Chandra has decided to leave to spend more time with his family. Chandra was our first Head of IT and can take credit for making Miller Shanks a part of the digital revolution.
We will miss him and wish him well in the future.
Until a permanent replacement is appointed, Peter Renquist will take over as Acting Head of IT. Please support him in this challenging role.
Rachel Stevenson
Personnel
Katie Philpott – 1/7/00, 11:07am
to: Liam O’Keefe
cc:
re: awesome!!!
Wow, you were brill in that presentation! Still got goosebumps. – Katie P
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/7/00, 11:10am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Mako
Sorry to hear about Kimbelle, but here’s some good news. Mako went very well. Top line: client extremely happy; bought all work without change; Pinki and Liam excellent; Simon quiet throughout. I’ll debrief you fully later.
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 11:14am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: Mako
Well, I think I managed to save us on this one.
The work was going down like a plumbeous inflatable for all the reasons I had outlined. Basically the client spotted the flaws.
Despite finding myself agreeing with him, I stepped in to bring him round.
He is not convinced of the work, but because he trusts my judgement he is prepared to go along with our recommendation.
At least I have kept our account losses down to one today.
Si
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/7/00, 11:16am
to: Pinki Fallon
Liam O’Keefe
cc: Simon Horne
David Crutton
re: Mako
I just want to say thank you. Thank you for dropping everything to dig us out of the mire. Thank you for producing a superlative campaign at such short notice. And thank you for presenting with such panache. I owe you.
James Gregory – 1/7/00, 11:17am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: back down to earth
After the triumph of Mako I’ve just been bollocked by Dan over the Kimbelle cock-up (read attached). Can we talk about this later?
ATTACHMENT
Daniel Westbrooke – 1/7/00, 10:42am
to: James Gregory
cc:
re: Kimbelle
James, as far as I can see this mess is entirely of your making. If you were out of your depth, why in heaven’s name did you not ask for help? Clearly I was wrong to think that you were ready to handle responsibility. I will do what I can to protect you from the wrath of David. How
ever, when I return from Mauritius we must have a frank talk about your future. Until then I suggest a low profile be maintained.
David Crutton – 1/7/00, 11:20am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: lunch
I’m sure that you have much to tell me about Mako. I have matters to discuss with you as well. With both Simon and Daniel out of the country next week, we have something of a vacuum at the top. Let’s talk at lunch. My car leaves for la Mirabelle at 12:50. See you on board.
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 11:23am
to: David Crutton
cc:
re: lunch
Since I am away next week we should spend some time going over Coke.
Are you free for lunch?
David Crutton – 1/7/00, 11:25am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: lunch
No.
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 11:28am
to: Harriet Greenbaum
cc:
re: lunch
We seem to have had our fair share of misunderstandings these past few days.
I suggest we spend some time doing a little bridge building.
Luncheon?
My treat.
Si
Harriet Greenbaum – 1/7/00, 11:31am
to: Simon Horne
cc:
re: lunch
No can do, Simon, I’m booked.
Simon Horne – 1/7/00, 11:34am
to: Pinki Fallon
cc:
re: lunch
I realise that we have not enjoyed the best of weeks.
But you must know that I still have the utmost respect for you.
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