e Read online

The story is that the last trainee spent his first month sitting by the fire escape waiting for a proper desk. He got hypothermia and sued. Don’t worry, things have changed. That’s why they stuck you by the big copier on the 3rd – you’ll overheat rather than freeze.

  Nigel Godley – 1/3/00, 10:54am

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: room to let

  Room to let in cosy central Balham flat.

  • Near shops, buses and Jet filling station

  • Pine kitchen

  • Neighbourhood Watch area

  • Non-smoker preferred

  • Must like cats

  • And gerbils

  • £380 PCM

  • First to see will move in!

  Call x4667 – Nige.

  Brett Topowlski – 1/3/00, 10:59am

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: NEW MILLENNIUM, OLD BOLLOCKS

  Unbelievable – the first bank holiday of the year and I’m sitting in the Miller Shanks creative department staring at Vin and trying to come up with a campaign for Freedom Mail Order. Told him we need a visual idea. He’s the art director, so it’s his problem now. Our Millenniums in brief. Mine’s a total blank – woke up in a skip in Westminster at five am, 1 Jan, but had a spectacular view of Big Ben as I leaned over the edge to puke. Vin was in Berlin and was so depraved he can’t bring himself to tell me what he got up to. On the way back he was gutted that the Y2K bug didn’t kick in and make the Airbus drop from sky – figures the adrenaline rush would’ve worked wonders for his hangover.

  Don’t bother e-mailing him. He made a New Year res’ to get computer literate. First thing this morning he got me to fire up his Mac and log him onto Notes. He had 4,735 unread e’s. He freaked and made me switch it off. Hasn’t said a word since. I gave him some Crayolas and a pad and he’s started to recover.

  David Crutton – 1/3/00, 11:04am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: hippie dipstick

  Is there anything the dizzy cow Pinki will work on? She won’t do Camel for obvious reasons; Army Recruitment because she’s antimilitary; Action Man, ditto; Floréal Haircare because they torture kittens. For Christ’s sake, she won’t even work on Everest Double Glazing because they screwed up her mother’s replacement windows. You keep saying she and Liam are the best creative team we’ve got, but have you thought that her delicate political sensibilities might be better suited to a different business? (African famine relief work comes to mind.) Look into it, because if we don’t win Coke and she hasn’t lifted a bloody finger, I’ll have her on the next flight to Somalia.

  Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 11:24am

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: hippie dipstick

  Leave it to me. I’ll have a word in her ear.

  Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 11:33am

  to: Pinki Fallon

  cc: Liam O’Keefe

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: Coke

  Pinki, I respect your principles, but we really need you and Liam playing ball with l’equipe ‘A’ on this one. Can I say a couple of things before you make up your mind?

  Naturellement, we share your concerns vis-à-vis the Coke/Mammon scenario. It is a vexing state of affairs.

  David promises to register forcefully our feelings when next he meets their people.

  Secondly, if we do not win it, people will lose their jobs.

  I am certain you would not want additions to the unemployment statistics to prey on your mind.

  I hope we will see you at the 12:00.

  Si

  Pinki Fallon – 1/3/00, 11:39am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc: Liam O’Keefe

  David Crutton

  re: Coke

  I phoned Master Shenkar and he’s cool. I know this account is worth more than the GNP of Guatemala, but David won’t accept the business unless we can present them with a more holistic alternative to capitalist imperialism, will he?

  David Crutton – 1/3/00, 11:41am

  to: Pinki Fallon

  cc:

  re: Coke

  Trust me, I’m an adman. See you at the meeting.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/3/00, 11:56am

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  re: Coke

  Please make your way to the Coke briefing in the boardroom. Simon asks you to bring pads and not to be late.

  Zoë Clarke – 1/3/00, 12:30pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: that bastard!!!

  Un-fucking-believable!!!!! Have you heard what the bastard Crettin did to Fi? She’s gone!!!!! He made her clear her desk that minute. She didn’t even have time to meet me in the loo for a good cry!!!!!! Can’t believe he fired her on a bank holiday!!!!! We shouldn’t even be here!!!!! The story is he did it ’cos she couldn’t make his stupid e-mail work!! Incredible!!!! I’ve been trying to get her on her mobile all morning. She must be able to do him for wrongful something or other. Let’s talk at lunch!!!!!!! See you in Bar Zero? Zxxx

  Carla Browne – 1/3/00, 12:35pm

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: that bastard!!!

  I heard, poor cow!! Doesn’t that shit know this is a bad time for her – did you see how much she put on over Christmas? And, apart from her weight, she was a fucking brilliant PA. Anyway, no chance of me coming to lunch. I’ve still got the hangover from hell – glad these bloody millennium thingys only come once every ten years. And I’ve got to start Desperate Dan’s Coke presentation. God, you should see this document. Bloody, sodding pie charts everywhere!!!!!!!! Who reads this bollocks? Looks like I’ll be in all night – I can forget step. If you get hold of Fi, e me back with details!!!! I feel so sorry for her!! Cxxx

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/3/00, 12:42pm

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: tossers

  Is the Coke brief the biggest wank-off yet, or what? Do Crutton and Westbrooke really think we can write decent ads on a strategy like that? “Coke: lifeblood” – what the fuck does it mean? And what’s a “carbonated lifestyle delivery system” when it’s at home? Even Pinki says it stinks. Major worry – I rely on her magic touch with shit briefs. See you in BZ in 15 and we’ll talk tits: i.e. how the fuck I can get Alison Armitage’s award-winning melons into a Kimbelle Pads ad without Pinki having me up for Grievous Political Incorrectness.

  Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 12:45pm

  to: Creative Department

  cc: David Crutton

  Daniel Westbrooke

  re: arses in gear II

  I am sure you will join me in thanking David and Daniel for a staggeringly inspirational briefing.

  “Coke: lifeblood” is a truly incisive strategy – one that gives you the chance to do some really famous work.

  No doubt your creative juices will be flowing like the Ganges in flood.

  I would like to see first thoughts early next week.

  Let us get out there and grab the advertising Rottweiler by its hairy testes.

  Si

  Brett Topowlski – 1/3/00, 12:49pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: tossers

  BZ at 1:00. By the way, you got any idea what creative juices look like? Vin just blew his nose and I think his are now in a Kleenex.

  David Crutton – 1/3/00, 12:59pm

  to: Chandra Kapoor

  cc:

  re: e-mail

  When the Microsoft ads ask me “where do you want to go today?,” I do not reply with “Finland” – after Latvia, the dullest country in Europe.

  As Head of IT (a bloody misnomer if ever there was one – you’re laughably short on both Information and Technology), surely you can answer this simple question. Why is it that every time I send an internal e-mail it ends up in Helsinki? One member of staff has already lost her job today because of this. Sort it out now.

  NB: do not
blame this on the Millennium Bug. This is the sorriest excuse since “the dog ate my homework.”

  Zoë Clarke – 1/3/00, 2:10pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: the dirt!!!

  Boy oh boy!!!! Finally got Fi on her mobile and we went for a quick one at Bar Zero. Just got back!! Un-fucking-believable!!!!! She’s in such a state, poor thing!!!!! Gotta go. Stupid Pinki’s yelling at me to book her shiatsu and that bitch, Susi, won’t lift a finger!! Who the fuck does she think she is, stuck up cow?!!!! Zxxx

  Carla Browne – 1/3/00, 3:00pm

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: the dirt!!!

  God, poor Fi!!!! But what about me?!!!! Don’t tell a soul, but Rachel whatsit called me down and says the bloody Crettin wants me to work for him!!!! No one lasts five minutes with him (Fi broke the record at four months!) and ’cos I’ve been here the longest, they think I stand a chance of sticking it out. Bloody hell!!!! What do I do now!!!!? Desperate Dan will have a fit if he loses me, but Rachel did a good sell on it. It’s 5k more!!!!! Cxxx

  Zoë Clarke – 1/3/00, 3:03pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: the dirt!!!

  Can’t believe it! Fi was on 5k more than us? That bitch. She was shit anyway and she’s got a right mouth on her. She deserved everything she got!!! Do you know she told me about you and Brett T. at the Christmas party? Wasn’t going to say, but you deserve some honesty! Anyway, do you really want to work for the Crettin? Money isn’t everything!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

  Carla Browne – 1/3/00, 3:07pm

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: our meeting

  Rachel, thanks everso for the offer. I’m thrilled that Mr. Crutton suggested me for the job. Obviously it involves a huge amount of responsibility, with plenty of room for personal growth, so it’s not a hard decision to make. I’d love to accept – Carla

  [email protected] 1/3/00, 3:15pm (10:15am local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: NEW MILLENNIUM – NEW HEIGHTS

  I write to endorse wholeheartedly the sentiments contained in David Crutton’s stirring all-staff note earlier in your day.

  The Executive Board in New York are unanimous in their delight at the efforts you put in last year to push the peanut forward and keep us on our toes in the Big Apple.

  Under David’s outstanding leadership, Miller Shanks, London is well on the way to reclaiming its rightful place as lead office in our European network. I look forward to seeing the evidence with my own eyes when I visit to lend my support to the Coca-Cola pitch.

  Winning that one really would be a feather in our caps. Keep up the tremendous work!

  Jim Weissmuller

  President, Miller Shanks Worldwide

  Zoë Clarke – 1/3/00, 3:21 pm

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: hooray!

  I’m so pleased for Carla that she’s been offered the chance to work for David! She really, really deserves it and I hope she says yes. I think it’s brilliant that we work for a company that’s prepared to give second chances. That embarrassing thing with the Arabian Airways client wouldn’t have been treated nearly so sympathetically by a lot of agencies – Zoë.

  P.S. I know you swore her to secrecy, but I hope you don’t mind her telling me – I am her best, best friend in the world!!!!!!!!

  [email protected] 1/3/00, 4:13pm (6:13pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: FASCINATING FINLAND

  Oh, how your last e-mail has ignited a debating! “The dullest country in Europe?” We are compiling a small list of “Finnish Delights” to provide you with foodstuff for thinking.

  • The noble reindeer.

  • 397 different flavours of vodka.

  • The Autumn Skate-a-thon in Raahe, which is lasting for four days and nights!

  • Reindeer à la Grěcque, the speciality of the head chef at the Helsinki Holiday Inn.

  • The annual clubbing of the pilot whales on Björkoby Island.

  • The National Museum of the Herring in Våasa.

  I will be making sure to send to you a copy of the Finnish Board of Tourism and Fisheries’ illuminating booklet, “Finland: the Culture, the History and the Fish.” I think you will be finding it most stimulatory!

  Tally-ho! Pertti

  P.S. My own creativity boffins are now working out their first “well-wicked” Coca-Cola concepts. You are baiting your breath, yes?

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/3/00, 4:16pm

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: Carla Browne

  Carla tells me that she has been offered the job of Personal Assistant to David. Pardon my French, but I am getting really bloody hacked off with this place. Why am I the last person to find anything out? I would stand more chance of knowing what is going on here if I went to the Groucho Club and heard it from the chaps at Saatchi and Bartle Bogle.

  This is bloody awful timing. I am in sole charge of the most important pitch in this agency’s history. How am I supposed to manage without adequate secretarial support?

  I have been at Miller Shanks for fifteen years and it would be nice just for once to be treated with the respect due to the Head of Client Services.

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/3/00, 4:24pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: Carla Browne

  I am so thrilled for Carla that she has decided to take you up on your fantastic offer. She is a cracking girl and her time in the exacting role of PA to Head of Client Services has prepared her well. Much as I will miss her, I am certain you will be brilliant for each other. If there is anything, anything at all, that I can do to help her make the transition to the seat outside the Big Office, please do not hesitate to ask. Superb choice!

  Brett Topowlski – 1/3/00, 4:43pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: PHWOOOAR!

  Seen that temp who’s in for Crutton? Vin picked up her pheromones in no time – I swear that boy’s dick is a divining rod when it comes to muff. Find an excuse to use the copier by her desk, then look at the bird on p46 of Swank (36DD/whipped cream/torque wrench). It’s her twin!

  Zoë Clarke – 1/3/00, 4:59pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: SLAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Have you seen the Crettin’s temp yet? Talk about cheap!!!! Just saw Vince Douglas dribbling all over her cleavage!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe I used to think he was cute? Zxxx

  Ken Perry – 1/3/00, 5:08pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: carpeting

  You may have noticed that new carpet tiles went down in reception during the Christmas break. To ensure even wear and tear across the full width of the carpeted area, could employees below the level of group account director please make the short journey from front door to lifts by stepping round the perimeter of the foyer? This will leave the all-important central tread zone for senior management, clients and other visitors.

  Thank you for your co-operation.

  Ken Perry

  Office Administrator

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/3/00, 5:36pm

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: PHWOOOAR!

  Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the pussy scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like Daphne in Frasier. Brace yourselves. I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.

  David Crutton – 1/3/00, 6:09pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: where the fuck’s my creative department?

  I just walked our Freedom client through our “energetic, buzzy creative department” and it’s like a gho
st town – tumbleweed in the corridor wouldn’t have been out of place. Even your hot shot Pinki was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.

  This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried and trusted principle of “last in, first out” (which would put you at number five on the list).

  Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 6:42pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: where the fuck’s my creative department?

  I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.

  It is time to apply Timberlands à derrieres. Leave it to me.

  By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.

  Apparently they bombed out our campaign before Christmas, but even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet “forgot” to mention it.

  We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots. As a top billing comic double act, I doubt they will take kindly to being cancelled.

  We are up a creek by the name of shit.

  Sans paddle.

  As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently difficile in the first place.

  Si

  Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 6:44pm

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: teams

  Susi darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/3/00, 6:48pm

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: Mako

  Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large. To be frank, I share their misgivings – L&L are about as unfunny, unhip and downright unattractive as it’s possible for comedians to be. Despite this opposition, Simon remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting, Mako were surprised and disappointed that we were re-presenting the same work.