e Read online

  Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/3/00, 6:50pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: teams

  Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling . . . Sx

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/3/00, 6:59pm

  to: James Gregory

  cc:

  re: Mako

  You were at the meeting, so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.

  Simon Horne – 1/3/00, 7:28pm

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: your careers

  A nightmare is developing on Mako.

  We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.

  And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.

  Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?

  Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.

  And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:

  Is it a gold?

  Si

  Nigel Godley – 1/3/00, 11:34pm

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: anybody out there?

  It’s 11:30 and I’m still here, collating time sheets. E me back if you, too, are still “at the coal face”!

  Nige

  Carla Browne – 1/3/00, 11:36pm

  to: Nigel Godley

  cc:

  re: anybody out there?

  Yes, I am!!!!!!!!! Who are you? What floor are you on? And can you make those stupid wedge shapes in pie charts in PowerPoint? If you can help, e me immediately – I want to go home!!!!!! Carla on the 4th.

  Tuesday, January 4th

  David Crutton – 1/4/00, 7:57am

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Mako

  Last night the entire dress circle at the Royal Opera House was disturbed by my mobile phone. The Marketing Director of Mako UK wished to know how many times he has to tell us he doesn’t like Little and Large before we get the message. What were his precise words? “Putting comedians who’re about 20 years past their sell-by date behind the wheel of my £22,000 executive car is not my fucking idea of sexy car advertising.” I think he made his point.

  I’d like the pair of you in my office in thirty minutes and perhaps we can work out how not to lose this account before we’ve made a single ad for them.

  [email protected] 1/4/00, 8:02am (10:02am local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Mako

  It’s good to see you starting off your day with the early worm too! How we are loving your Little and Large here in Finland. All of their 70’s Seaside Specials are on Satellite Golden Hits Station. Such a pity Mr. Mako isn’t sharing your cutting-edge excellent good taste. Oh, well, clients like these are the crutches that we who are choosing advertising must be bearing.

  Pip pip! Pertti

  David Crutton – 1/4/00, 8:09am

  to: Chandra Kapoor

  cc:

  re: P45’s

  Yesterday lunchtime I informed you that my e-mails were misrouting to Finland. I expected an immediate response. So far, sweet fuck all. I’ve met plumbers more reliable than your department. Do you actually want to end up washing windshields on the Mile End Road?

  David Crutton – 1/4/00, 8:17am

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: IT

  In the midst of some grief I’m having with my e-mail, I had a brainwave. During WW2, when the Nazis were having difficulties with the French resistance, they’d round up the population of an entire village. Then, for every hour that the partisans didn’t give themselves up, they’d shoot a villager in the head.

  I’d like to do something similar with our IT department. I suspect that shooting is out of the question, but how about firing one of them for each hour they don’t sort out my problem?

  I’d be obliged if you could check out the legality of this under current employment legislation.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 8:32am

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: IT

  David, I’m so sorry. I just got Chandra on the phone. He was unaware of your trouble. If you’ve been trying to reach him by e-mail, he hasn’t been getting them. He says IT is extremely busy but he’ll get straight onto it.

  Nigel Godley – 1/4/00, 8:43am

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: for sale

  BREVILLE WAFFLE IRON

  • Jasmine yellow finish

  • Nearly new

  • Includes adapter to make perfect toastie sandwiches!

  • The perfect way to “toast” the new Millennium!!

  • First to see will buy

  • £12 o.n.o.

  Call x4667 – Nige

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/4/00, 9:04am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Mako

  For the record, Simon, I didn’t forget to tell you about Mako’s dislike of Little and Large. There was no need. You were at the client meeting before Christmas to hear it for yourself. If you’re going to tell lies to David about what I have or haven’t done, I’d prefer you didn’t do it when I’m in the room. It insults my intelligence.

  Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 9:10am

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: Mako

  Do you realise the pressure I am under?

  I am expected to manage and inspire a department of twelve creative teams.

  I am required to represent the agency’s creative product to our clients – philistines the lot.

  On top of that I have somehow to find the time to deliver creative coups de grâces of my own.

  If occasionally I forget some little thing a client says in a meeting, well, I am only human.

  Si

  Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 9:11am

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: stress

  Migraine, migraine!

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 9:12am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: stress

  Coffee and Migraleve on the way, darling . . . Sx

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/4/00, 9:16am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Mako

  I’m sorry to split hairs, but I wouldn’t have defined the client saying he not only hates Little and Large, but thinks them totally outdated for a technology-led brand as a “little thing.” All this, though, is academic. I suggest we now co-operate on finding a new campaign. Friday feels horribly close.

  Brett Topowlski – 1/4/00, 9:35am

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: no-go zone

  If you and Space Cadet First-Class Pinki are planning to show Horne any ideas today, don’t. He’s in a right fucking mood. Vin and me took him our Reeves and Mortimer scripts for Freedom. He pissed all over them – said it was hardly the first time he’d seen them in an ad campaign. Vin pointed out that this was the first time anyone had used them in a mail-order shopping ad, but it didn’t wash. (Vin didn’t mention that the only reason we wrote scripts for them was so he could boast to his mates back in Liverpool that he’d spent 2 days shooting with Britain’s Dandiest Comedians.)

  Anyway, who the fuck does he think he is, going on about originality? Poxy Little and fucking Large? Tosser. You know Barry Clement used to be his art director? My mate Nick is in his group at Abbott Mead now and apparently Clement clai
ms Horne didn’t have one original thought in the four years they were together. Clement used to come up with all the ideas and all Horne ever said was “yes, love, but is it a gold?” They haven’t spoken since they split up and Clement nearly lamped him at D&AD last year.

  Anyway, what happened to you after BZ last night? You were all over that temp like chicken pox. Vin’s well pissed with you. Says he saw her first.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 9:39am

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  re: Simon’s diary

  Si’s having a terribly stressful morning, so if you have work you need to see him with, could you keep it till later, please. If it’s frightfully urgent, give it to me and I’ll try to get it in front of him. Thx . . . Susi.

  Melinda Sheridan – 1/4/00, 9:39am

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  James Gregory

  cc:

  re: bat suits

  A dickie bird tells me that we are no longer to produce three forty-second commercials for Mako featuring Messrs Little and Large.

  Why are us mugs in the TV production department always the last to hear information of crucial relevance to us?

  It represents no loss to me – personally I find L&L about as amusing as a trip to my gynecologist. However, Simon assured me that the scripts were as good as signed off by the client and you must be aware that we have contracts with these alleged gentlemen of mirth. They will expect money. They have also been to four wardrobe sessions, so I now have a pair of made-to-measure bat suits with pink Lycra capes in my possession, as well as an invoice for £16,000.

  It never rains, darlings . . .

  Nigel Godley – 1/4/00, 9:39am

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: help mate

  Top o’ the morning! It was so nice to be able to help you with your document last night. Remember that creating presentable charts in PowerPoint is easy-peasy so long as you remember Nige’s Handy Hints! Any time I can be of service, look me up in my little cubby in accounts – Nige.

  P.S. want first option on the waffle iron?

  Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 9:52am

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: fuck, fuck, bloody fuck!!!!!

  Fucking hell!!!! I’ve done the stupidest thing!!!!!!! I only got that dick Nigel who does the time sheets to help me with the Coke document last night. I’m a fucking idiot, I know – but it was nearly midnight and I just wanted to go home!!!! Now I can’t get rid of him!!!!!!!! Think he fancies me!!!!!! What am I gonna do?!!!!!! He wears grey slip-ons and he’s into the Shopping Channel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cxxx

  James Gregory – 1/4/00, 9:54am

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: it wasn’t me!

  Harriet, I know what you’re going to say, but it wasn’t me. I swear I never told Melinda or anyone else in TV that the client had signed off approvals on L&L. I don’t know how this could have happened. Can we hide the 16k on another job?

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/4/00, 10:16am

  to: James Gregory

  cc:

  re: it wasn’t me!

  I know it wasn’t you. This account has been going rat-shit since a certain senior member of the creative department took up permanent residence in Teletubby Land. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.

  Ken Perry – 1/4/00, 10:24am

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: 0898

  As from today you will no longer be able to dial the premium-rate numbers prefixed by 0898. These form a significant portion of our monthly telecom overhead.

  I appreciate that many of you find the business and city services available on these lines invaluable. I apologise for the inconvenience, but ask you to find alternative sources for the information thus obtained.

  Thank you for your co-operation.

  Ken Perry

  Office Administrator

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/4/00, 10:33am

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Mako

  I’ve had an alarming e-mail from Melinda regarding an obligation to L&L. I’ve tried to come to talk to you about it, but Susi wouldn’t let me anywhere near you. I am quite certain that no one on my team authorised you to run up pre-production costs on Little and Large.

  It beats me how this has happened. Perhaps you can apply your legendary creativity to helping us recover the 16k Melinda says we have spent.

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/4/00, 10:58am

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: need aspirin

  Just got in. Read your e. Fuck, that was some night. Lol? My lips are sealed. Will Vin ever talk to me again? Hope so – got to tell the poor geezer what he missed out on.

  No more 0898? How the fuck am I supposed to talk to Trixi on Ripe ’n’ Raw 1-2-1 now? She’s the only bird I know who truly understands a bloke’s deep-rooted need to talk about massive tits and impractical lingerie.

  Head needs Bloody Mary. BZ at lunch, or will you be at your desk making squeaky with your markers?

  Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 11:15am

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: Mako

  So, on top of everything else I am expected to fret about the purse strings?

  I believed that once the client saw Little and Large standing before him in bat suits, even a Neanderthal like him would no longer deny the self-evident merit of the idea.

  Was I so wrong to think £16,000 a small price to pay in defence of our art?

  Clearly I was naïve to assume I would have your support.

  But I am a professional and not in the business of pointing fingers.

  I will pick myself up, dust myself off and move on from here.

  Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 11:23am

  to: David Crutton

  cc:

  re: Harriet Greenbaum

  Believe me, David, I do not wish to drop anyone in the brown and gooey. You know that is not my modus operandi.

  But I must make it clear that I had numerous verbal assurances from Harriet that the costs we were accruing on Mako were authorised.

  I am not having a go at her.

  I have the utmost respect for her both as a human being and as an advertising practitioner. However, she has been under a great deal of stress lately.

  There is a feeling about the office that James Gregory has been carrying her since her divorce. The unauthorised £16,000 may not be the only over-run on her business.

  She needs our support at this difficult time.

  Perhaps an audit of her other accounts would be helpful.

  Si

  Brett Topowlski – 1/4/00, 11:33am

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: need aspirin

  Think you’ve got it bad? Vin and me have just been put on Kimbelle because you two useless gits can’t crack it. What we know about “the curse” could be written on a Post-it. I don’t know how we’ll fit it in before we fly off to the sun-kissed island of Mauritius at the weekend for our LOVE Channel shoot, accompanied by top topless totty (over-endowed, over-eager and all over me). Don’t like to rub it in, but them’s the breaks. Vin’s getting over you and Lol the only way he knows. He’s got a spotty trainee from IT to help him surf the net for farmyard porn and it seems to be taking his mind off Miss Manchester. It’s quite touching how a pretty Danish dairy maid frolicking with a couple of Dobermans and a pig can restore a man’s spirits. BZ at 1:00.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 11:45am

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: job changes

  Carla – I have an urgent issue to discuss. I have tried to call you about it, but you have been engaged for over thirty minutes.

  I’m afraid there’s been a change of plan on the David Crutton front. He reviewed your file and felt he’d been wrong to overlook the lap-dancing affair with the marketing delegation from Arabian Airwa
ys. He regretfully feels that, given the minor diplomatic incident that ensued, a job with such a strong element of client and public interface would be inappropriate for you at this time.

  We both feel very sorry to let you down like this, but want to reassure you that your future is bright, and, in Dan Westbrooke, you are working for one of the most respected executives in the agency.

  If you’d like to discuss this further, please call me.

  David Crutton – 1/4/00, 11:57am

  to: Daniel Westbrooke

  cc:

  re: Coke

  I believe I asked you to have a draft of the Coke presentation on my desk first thing this morning. Where the fuck is it? When I joined this company I only agreed to keep you on because you let Jim Weissmuller use your house in Tuscany. If you can’t deliver a few simple pie charts on time, why am I bothering?

  By the way, you can keep your secretary. I was reminded that the silly tart’s antics with a tequila bottle last year nearly started Gulf War II.

  Brett Topowlski – 1/4/00, 11:59am

  to: All Departments

  cc:

  re: IT’S A RECORD BREAKER

  If you happen to go into stall 2 in the gents on the creative floor, please do not flush. The Guinness Book of World Records has been informed.

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/4/00, 12:02pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: Coke

  Please can you get a bloody move on with the Coke presentation? I would like to remind you that it was only my pleadings that saved your job last year after the Arabian Airways débâcle. If a few simple pie charts are causing so much trouble, I am not sure why I bothered.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 12:05pm

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: IT’S A RECORD BREAKER

  I’m sorry to be a party pooper, but your all-staff note doesn’t represent the most productive use of company e-mail. I have had a number of complaints from those offended by your lavatorial humour. Maybe I’m misunderstanding and you are simply performing a valuable service by highlighting some defective plumbing. If this is the case, my apologies, and perhaps a simple note to Ken Perry would suffice.