e Read online

  Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 12:09pm

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

  God, you won’t fucking believe what’s happening!!! Just got an e from stupid bloody Rachel telling me I’m not being offered the job with Crettin any more!!!!! Just because of that stupid thing with the Arabs!!!! It wasn’t my fault – those tequilas were spiked. I honestly thought it was forgotten. Can you believe it?!!!! I feel so humiliated!!!! It’s not that I was going to take the stupid job – who’d want to work for that git anyway?!!!!! It’s the bloody principle!!!! Do you think I can sue for false mis-representation? Can we go to Bar Zero for lunch? I really need your support right now!!! Cxxx

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 12:11pm

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: job changes

  Unfortunately, Carla Browne’s move to David Crutton’s office didn’t pan out as we’d hoped. However, David would very much like you to consider the position yourself. Obviously it would represent a big change for you and I’m sure you’d like to talk about it. Perhaps you could give me a call and we can find a time.

  Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 12:13pm

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: job changes

  On my way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 12:14pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

  God, you poor fucking cow!!! This place doesn’t deserve you!!!!!! Got to do some mega-urgent copying now!!!!! The stupid hippie is screaming for it!!!! I’d ask Susi to help, if she wasn’t such a bitch!!!!! See you at lunch – you need a friend right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

  [email protected] 1/4/00, 12:30pm (2:30pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Coke

  So, you await for your Coca-Cola documentation? Oh, how I sympathise with your plight! Before Christmas already I am asking for new lightbulbs in the executive toilet, and still I am dangling. Both cubicles one and two are in gloomiest black pitchness and it is only because I did so much night training during my national service that I am able to avoid brown-staining embarrassment!

  Perhaps we should place the issue of staff respondingness at the top of the agenda at the forthcoming Miller Shanks CEO Conference in Waikiki.

  Aloha! Pertti

  Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 2:23pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: this shit hole!!!!

  God, it was good to get out of here at lunch!! Hope you feel better!!!!!! Remember what I said – I think you should definitely, definitely leave!!!!! You’re my best friend in the world and I don’t know how I could work here without you!!!!! But you’ve got to think of yourself, and you’re better than this place!!!!! Zxxx

  Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 2:27pm

  to: Rachel Stevenson

  cc:

  re: job changes

  Rachel, thanks so much for the offer. I’m so excited that Mr. Crutton suggested me for the position. Obviously it entails extra responsibility and is a big step up. As I said I would, I’ve given it a lot of thought over lunch. In the end, though, it’s an easy decision to make. I’d be thrilled to accept – Zoë

  Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 2:29pm

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc:

  re: this shit hole!!!!

  I don’t know what I’d do without you, Zoë!!!!!! You’re the only one in this stupid bloody place that stops me from going mad!!!!!!!!!! I do feel better, and I’ve decided that I’m not going to resign!!!!!!!!! I can’t let those bastards win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cxxx

  Zoë Clarke – 1/4/00, 2:41 pm

  to: Carla Browne

  cc:

  re: fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  In-fucking-credible!!!!!!! That two-faced, lying cow, Rachel, has only gone and offered me the Crettin job!!!!!!!!! I mean, doesn’t she know we’re best friends in the world?!!! The thing is though, I think I’ve got to say yes. Before you go mad, I don’t want to, but I don’t really have a choice! It is 5k more and I’ve got a massive MasterCard bill to pay and my gas is about to be cut off!!!!! And you really, really didn’t want it did you?!!!!!! Oh, God, what am I gonna do?!!!!!!!!! . . . Zxxx

  Pinki Fallon – 1/4/00, 2:52pm

  to: Ken Perry

  cc:

  re: emergency!

  I think we need some of your maintenance guys to help us out here. There’s been a bit of an incident between Zoë Clarke and one of the other girls. Zoë’ll need a new desk lamp and PC, unless you can get the potting compost from the yucca out of her floppy drive. Also there’s a bit of blood on one of the carpet tiles. It’s only a small cut, so no need for first-aid. Ta . . .

  Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 2:55pm

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: hormonal women

  Darling, have those dreadful girls finished their caterwauling yet? What was that commotion? I have to see David with a Mako idea and I would like to make it to his office with life and limb intact.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 2:56pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: hormonal women

  The coast is clear, sweetie . . . Sx

  Carla Browne – 1/4/00, 3:05pm

  to: All Departments

  cc: [email protected]

  re: fuck the fucking lot of you!!!!!!!

  I’m leaving now, but before I go there’s some things you should know!!!!!!!

  • Zoë Clarke is a lying slag and she gave Simon Horne a BJ at last year’s D&AD.

  • She said he has a really small dick.

  • Daniel Westbrooke keeps tarts’ call box cards in his desk drawer.

  • The Crettin buys his coke off Vince Douglas.

  • The Crettin also spent £3,500 in one night at a table-dancing club and put it through on his expenses as “qualitative research fees.”

  • You can all fuck off and die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 3:09pm

  to: Chandra Kapoor

  cc: David Crutton

  re: urgent

  Please delete Carla Browne’s User ID from e-mail with immediate effect.

  Thank you.

  Rachel Stevenson

  Personnel

  David Crutton – 1/4/00, 3:20pm

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: cracked

  It would appear Simon has saved your arses on Mako. He has shown me his new idea and it is a very clever way out. Come see.

  [email protected] 1/4/00, 3:21pm (10:21 am local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Carla Browne

  I’m concerned, David, very concerned. Is this Carla Browne the same individual who led us a merry dance with our Middle Eastern friends? Is there truth in her ranting?

  I am particularly troubled by her claims about narcotics. You will be acutely aware of corporate policy on this issue.

  Reassure me that you haven’t a Monica Lewinsky on your reservation.

  Jim

  [email protected] 1/4/00, 3:27pm

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Carla Browne

  Jim – worry not. The Carla Browne situation has been dealt with. We were certain that, after the Arabian Airways incident, her wilder personality traits had been subdued. Rest assured, she has now been marched off the premises and will not return.

  We reminded her that in the UK, we have some very tough slander laws and that if she repeats a word of her fantastical claims, we will bear down on her with the full weight of the legal establishment.

  Of course, there is not one iota o
f truth in her bizarre allegations. Let me put your mind at rest completely on the drugs matter. All employees here know my strict views on this, and no transgression will be tolerated.

  I’m sorry that this trifling matter has intruded on your busy day.

  By the way, Coke is proceeding splendidly and we already have some very exciting thoughts on the table. I look forward to your coming over to this side of the pond to head up the pitch.

  Please pass on my regards to your beautiful wife and lovely children.

  David

  David Crutton – 1/4/00, 3:31 pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Coke

  I’ve just had occasion to e-mail Weissmuller and I mentioned that we had some cracking Coke work in development. I trust you won’t let him down.

  Simon Horne – 1/4/00, 3:46pm

  to: Creative Department

  cc:

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: one down . . .

  . . . two to go. You now only have Coke and Kimbelle to crack. I have spent all morning and my lunch hour in the company of a layout pad. As a result I have solved the Mako problem.

  I suggest you take a leaf out of my book.

  If Susi tells me she has seen any of you idling by the coffee machine, I will want to know why.

  If she mentions that you have been slouching over the pool table, I will be livid.

  You will remain at your desks wearing your pencils to stubs.

  You will not show your sorry faces until you happen to be clutching ideas of astonishing brilliance.

  Si

  [email protected] 1/4/00, 3:47pm (5:47pm local)

  to: [email protected]

  cc:

  re: Carla Browne

  Thanks for holding me in the loop-the-loop on matters of staff discipline and morale policy that you are touching on in your e-mailing to Jim.

  It is fascinating me that you, too, have troubles with work hands going off the straight and perpendicular. Perhaps it is our sunless winters or our proximity to the vodka distilleries of the former Soviet Union, but we in Finland are having a similar problem with many company members becoming “one picnic hamper short of a luncheon box”!

  I have a tip for you. I am employing the revolutionary techniques pioneered by Dr. Jari Nepstad at the Nordic Institute of Animal Husbandry. These are involving giving staff a daily tonic concocted of the extracts of lemming spleen and reindeer urine. As a result I am seeing insanity rates falling by 18%. I mail the recipe to you, though maybe you find lemming spleen in short supply at your otherwise excellent Asian corner shops.

  Keep your pecker firm and erect – Pertti

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 3:48pm

  to: Lorraine Pallister

  cc:

  re: job changes

  Lorraine, I know you’ve only been here five minutes, but I wonder if we can tempt you with a permanent position.

  Zoë Clarke, one of the Creative secretaries, will shortly be taking over as David’s PA, which would leave an opening in that department. It’s a really lively group of people on the 2nd floor, and Simon Horne, the Creative Director, is a lovely, charming man. This is a fantastic opportunity. If you’re interested, call me and we’ll discuss.

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/4/00, 3:49pm

  to: James Gregory

  Katie Philpott

  cc:

  re: woe is us

  I’ve been looking everywhere for you both. As soon as you’re back at your desks I need you in my office. I’ve just come back from a meeting with David. Things, I’m afraid, are going from worse to abysmal.

  Simon has “cracked” Mako. This is his idea: Reeves and Mortimer in bat suits. He believes it to be so brilliant that they’ll have to invent a new category of award to honour it. When I pointed out that he’d simply replaced Britain’s most unfashionable comedians with its most over-exposed, he wouldn’t have any of it.

  The final nail in the coffin is that David not only loves it, he wants to build a church in which to worship it.

  I don’t have much room to argue. The entire blame for the L&L disaster has been laid at our feet and our credibility is less than zero. To beat this one we must not only come up with a very convincing case against Simon’s new idea, but also a demonstrably better alternative. Let’s see what we can do. We still have three days.

  Katie Philpott – 1/4/00, 3:53pm

  to: Harriet Greenbaum

  cc:

  re: woe is us

  Golly, what a pickle! Still, I’m up for a challenge. I’ll grab James as soon as he’s back from the loo and we’ll pop in. – Katie P

  Brett Topowlski – 1/4/00, 4:00pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: rumble in the jungle

  While you were poncing around at some photographer’s studio shooting panty liners, you missed a top ruck. Carla vs Zoë, armed only with Rexel staplers and rouge noir nail extensions. They were tearing lumps out of each other when Pinki the Pacifist steamed in like a UN delegation and broke it up – crying bloody shame. I tell you, if boxing were only half as horny, it wouldn’t be going through a crisis right now. Picture Iron Mike in basque and fishnets. (Go on, I dare you.)

  So Carla walks and Zoë’s going to work for Crutton? How the fuck did she swing it? Mind you, I’m not sure he’ll want her when he sees her shiner. And your babe, Lol, has got the creative job. Compensation for when we jet off to the Indian Ocean paradise of Mauritius for the LOVE shoot to enjoy the shimmer of factor 2 on surgically enhanced tits – shame you won’t be there.

  Wonder what Horne’s Mako idea is. Couldn’t be worse than Little and Large, could it? No, don’t answer that.

  Susi Judge-Davis – 1/4/00, 4:10pm

  to: Zoë Clarke

  cc: Rachel Stevenson

  re: behaviour unbecoming of a professional establishment

  I have just come out of a meeting with Simon, who is quite upset by this afternoon’s events. He has asked me to have a serious word with you.

  He does not feel that fistfights on the creative floor are a thing to be tolerated and has asked me to have you relocated. I informed him that you are to work for David Crutton and, to be honest, he is worried. He is not sure that you are suitable and is going to ask David to review his offer.

  Let me know if you’d like to talk, though I may be in conference with Simon as we have much to catch up on. Your antics have thrown out the whole day’s timing.

  I try so hard to defend you, Zoë, but this time you have really let yourself down.

  Susi

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/4/00, 4:10pm

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: rumble in the jungle

  Q1: Did you video the punch up? Mel’s got a Digicam in her desk – tailor-made for this type of blue-riband sporting event.

  Q2: Is our little Vinnie Douglas really Crutton’s Colombian connection? If so, tell him to cut it with some rat poison next time.

  Q3: Do you really think that going on about your poxy shoot in Mauritius is getting to me?

  Got to go. Harriet is lurking outside our office and she’s wearing the sauciest Chanel knock-off. I could be up for this older-woman gig.

  Pinki Fallon – 1/4/00, 4:15pm

  to: Liam O’Keefe

  cc:

  re: stop it!

  Do me a favour and stop trying to see down Harriet’s cleavage. I’m watching you do it now. Transparent? I could glaze a greenhouse with you . . .

  Harriet Greenbaum – 1/4/00, 4:50pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  re: Mako

  Susi tells me that, having cleared shelf space for all the awards you are going to win for Mako, you are de-stressing at the Groucho. Whilst you unwind after your triumph, you should know that my team and I are not happy. I don’t see our client buying into Reeves and Mortimer any more than they did Little and Large. We’re disappointed
that you’ve taken the rest of the department off the brief.

  I would love to debate this with you, but as you are not here I’ve taken the liberty of talking to Pinki and Liam. I’ve asked them to carry on working on the project. Pinki believes in Mako. Its low emissions make it the sort of car she’d drive herself, if only she could drive. Liam believes in it because of the 0-60 figures, brightly coloured rear spoiler and beverage holder on the dashboard.

  This commitment on their part will lead, I hope, to a very strong idea.

  Before you blow a fuse, David is aware of all this. Whilst he still likes your work, he is never averse to covering all the bases and presenting more than one route. He is happy for Pinki and Liam to continue.

  I have asked Susi to set up a review for late tomorrow. Given the fix we’re in, I think we should all be there.

  I’m sure you will make your thoughts on this clear to me upon your return.

  Rachel Stevenson – 1/4/00, 5:05pm

  to: Susi Judge-Davis

  cc:

  re: behaviour unbecoming of a professional establishment

  Susi, I’ve spoken to Zoë. She’s very upset, obviously by Carla’s attack, but also by your e-mail. In the future I’d prefer you not to take these matters up without first speaking with me.

  Zoë assures me that Carla’s outburst was completely unprovoked, and eyewitnesses bear this out. Given that Carla has now left and that Zoë is extremely traumatised, I think it best that we allow things to settle and try to forget the whole incident. Zoë will take up the position of David’s PA as of Monday.

  Liam O’Keefe – 1/4/00, 5:15pm

  to: Brett Topowlski

  cc:

  re: steaming pile of shit

  Harriet briefed us to carry on with Mako, and while she was at it she showed us Horne’s latest. All he’s done is take his L&L stuff and rewrite it for . . . drum roll . . . R&M. (Recognise the casting?) The scripts are as witty as a tax return. Wake Vin and come and see them in five. Pinki’s going to see Perky (her clairvoyant).

  Daniel Westbrooke – 1/4/00, 5:33pm

  to: Simon Horne

  cc:

  bcc: David Crutton

  re: concerns

  Simon, I have to say I am a little worried. I know you have been preoccupied with Mako of late, but I hope your department is not neglecting Coca-Cola. I am sure you appreciate that the eyes of the network are upon us, and winning this pitch would make Mako seem very small beer indeed.